No More Cable TV for YOU!!

I admit it.  This week’s stock market wild swings have made me anxious and worried.  Not necessarily about my own tiny investments, but about America. 

I am a member of the Baby Boom generation.  Parents of the Boomers were survivors of WWII, and went on to enjoy the greatest economic expansion this country has ever known.  Of course, prior to this they also, as children, experienced the Great Depression. 

Parents of the Baby Boom generation began their life in difficulty and were aware of the unfairness of the class structure in America.  Oh, we don’t call it class structure.  We call it unlimited opportunity for those who strive to attain it.  We call it working hard to reach the top.  We call it lots of things, but we don’t call it similar to buying a ticket in a lottery and hoping we win.

Parents of the Baby Boom generation survived – and won – the greatest war this earth has ever known.  They saved us all from evil.  Their government went on to build the richest, most powerful economy ever known.  Service men and women from WWII came home, attended universities, brought about the Age of Technology.  They created the Baby Boom generation.  Their peers who chose to forego higher education and instead entered the trades, farmed, or otherwise made their living were pulled into economic success by their more ambitious peers.  By the late 1960’s, it seemed as America was forever destined to increasing economic prosperity – and this was the mantra the Baby Boom generation adopted as it began university schooling, careers, and families.  Labor unions, fantastic employee incentives, regular promotions, and more created a work culture that lulled many into the belief that they were entitled to so much.

Then the societal upsets of the 60’s and 70’s caused many to question the values America had adopted.  But little changed.  The 80’s brought a resurgence of the belief in the invincibility of America, and the right of America to exert its form of government, its way of life, itself upon every ‘undeveloped’ nation in the world. 

American’s believed in the government mantra of ‘We are America!  We can do, make, and solve anything if we just put our minds and backs into it!’  We lifted ourselves out of recessions, we expanded democracy, we created programs to send our young to foreign countries to ‘help’ them, and we poured untold monies into our military and created the most effective fighting force the world has ever known.  We went to the moon and beyond, we surveyed the ocean, we won the Cold War, we fought poverty and disease worldwide . . . and more.

As the children of the Baby Boom generation began their adulthood, the culture of America had become something that their grandparents couldn’t recognize.  It is overwhelming in its diversity of – everything.  It is fast, pressured, cynical, cold, profit driven like never before.  It is fractured as families have moved from the multi-generational model of the pre-WWII days, to the nuclear family model of the 50’s, and now to a model that is so diverse that no one can really measure it.

All the while, the values of our country have turned from close family ties to . . . make more money! Buy more things! Achieve more! Be mobile! Get ahead!

Am I the only person longing for a return to the values of the past?  Am I the only person who feels anxious about the direction America is headed?  Am I the only person who does NOT believe the clowns in Washington D.C., who continually speak out of both sides of their mouths?

Yesterday as I witnessed yet another wild ride on Wall Street, due in large part to the political stupidity that nearly drove our country into default just 2 weeks ago, something in me said enough!  I transferred my little savings into bonds.  Forget what the financial talking heads say about staying long in the markets!  I unhooked my cable TV box and today it is going right back to Comcast!  I have no idea what the financial markets are doing right now and I don’t care.  I am content to finish the quilt in my sewing room, check on the vegetable garden, create a new dish for dinner, pet the dog, call my friends, IM with my son, read a decent book, do a little laundry, play (badly) my piano, or simply sit and sip coffee and watch the sun rise.

I am checked out, happily oblivious, and otherwise too busy to listen to, riddle over, and pay attention to the drivel that is being handed out by D.C., the financial wizards who have driven our markets into chaos, and the yahoos who consider it their duty to make us aware of all the ills of the world. 

Come to think of it, that is probably the life my grandparents and their parents enjoyed.  As I recall, before the great economic expansion following WWII, their lives were filled with farm chores because they had to grow their own food and tend their own livestock – without Uncle Sam’s help.  They also made their own clothing, blankets, etc. – without the need for Costco, etc.  Many built their own homes – debt free – with their own felled logs and without the supplies from Home Depot.  They ran their own small businesses – without the help of Wall Street. 

Yep, I’m checking out.  And loving it!  Follow me in – the water is just great! 

Life is SO Short

Life is always walking up to us and saying, "Come on in, the living's fine," and what do we do?  Back off and take its picture.  ~Russell Baker

Human behavior can be predicted by experiential models.  In other words, past behavior is an excellent predictor of future behavior.  An individual will consistently choose that action and environment which has successfully fulfilled a past need, and will avoid that action or environment which has brought about bad results in their past, if all factors remain consistent.  However, if one or more factors change, i.e. the current environment becomes untenable, or an opportunistic environment presents itself AND the individual chooses to act, a new pattern of behavior may be established.  In other words, the individual has changed and has learned by experience.

Human behavior and the creation of self, or will, begins at birth as the child starts its journey in the world.  Humans are born with the desire to master their environment and to act upon the strong instinctive or emotional urges within them.  Children who are encouraged to experience the world as being an opportunistic environment, to make increasingly self-directed choices, and to experience the consequences, go on to develop strong willpower and self-determination.  They develop sense that they are able to change their environment to meet their needs or to seek out whatever environment holds the greatest opportunity to meet their needs.  These children will, over time, develop skills, adaptive traits, and cognitive traits that predict success.   In contrast, children who are deprived of the concept of opportunistic environments, and who are forced to conform to rigid rules, go on to develop natures that are mainly responsive to their environments.  These children will lack essential traits for future success in all but their current environment.

There are many key elements involved in the successful adaption of humans to their environment.  The greatest is self-motivation.  What motivates people?  Two simple models provide the answer.  Theory one (mechanistic theory) states that humans are passive organisms and are simply reactive to events outside themselves; humans do not initiate change, they simply react to changes in their environment.  Theory two (organismic theory) states that humans are self-motivated and are driven by their internal physical and psychological needs; humans initiate change and seek out environments wherein they can satisfy their unique, personal needs.

All humans seek to satisfy certain instinctive drives including sex, aggression, hunger, thirst, and the avoidance of pain.  Any particular person can practice both mechanistic and organismic theories of motivation.  In fact, most people practice both but tend to consistently use one or the other in various categories of their lives.  For instance, the mechanistic theory of motivation paints a simple picture equal to that of Pavlov’s dogs, wherein an otherwise unmotivated animal will become motivated after being trained to react in a certain manner to certain stimuli.  For humans this can be compared to their actions after viewing media advertising for an especially appetizing pizza – let’s order a pizza delivery!

Organismic motivation moves beyond the simple model of stimulus-response to include the factor of the human will.  This model states that humans are self-motivated according to their personal will and exercise certain personality traits that enable them to effectively meet their needs.  In successfully meeting those needs, they experience an affirmation of success that rewards them and increases their level of self-motivation; a self-perpetuating cycle.  The specific human personality traits involved include rational processes, exploration, play, and volitional responding.  This essentially means that a human’s unique personality provides him or her with the energy and drive necessary to succeed in meeting their needs in any environment, and according to their own self-determined will.

The greatest factor in human motivation is the power of the human will.  Difficult to put into specific terms, the human will encompasses decision-making, autonomy, and choice.  The human will also encompasses the uniquely human act of self-direction.  This is present whenever a person, provided with an opportunity to act upon an instinctive or self-determined need, firstly activates the internal process of self-direction.  Alternately, this is also present whenever a person makes changes that bring about an opportunistic environment geared towards meeting their needs.  This internal process of self-determination enables the person to perceive a need, observe or create an opportunity, analyze their own personal concept of self-direction against that opportunity, imagine the future outcomes of acting upon the need and opportunity, and take action consistent with all of these factors.  Outside observers are unable to witness this process and will simply observe an individual in action.  But this process of decision-making and action according self-determination is present and can be simply termed the human will. 

As the individual ages, their personal will changes according to life experiences.  Change is constant and each individual makes the choices as to how he or she will respond to new challenges.  Given the two motivational models explained above, will he or she choose a passive response?  Or an active response?

On a daily basis, we all practice active responses to our changing environment.  It rains, so we put on a raincoat when leaving home.  Our boss at work assigns additional work, so we put in a few more hours at the office.  Our last child leaves for college, so we adjust our lives and home to the loss.  All of these are changes that we can reasonably anticipate and for which most people are reasonably able to adjust and eventually become comfortable.  But what about the unanticipated, unprepared for, changes in our lives that take us completely by surprise?  How will we react and what will be our eventual mode of adjustment and what type of motivational model will take us there?

After experiencing any significant change, expected or not, an individual will first seek to find balance by referring to their unique, personal will (or self-determination.)  Mechanistically motivated individuals may respond by simply not responding at all.  Or they may seek the least uncomfortable position that meets their basic needs.  Organisimically motivated individuals may respond by recognizing that the change is not offering them the opportunistic environment they desire in order to fulfill their self-determined needs.  They may actively respond by either attempting to conform the changed environment to their will or by seeking a different environment that is to their liking.  If the significant change is far beyond their control, such as an unexpected job loss during a prolonged period of national economic decline, the organisimistically motivated individual will recognize that the second option is their best choice.  They will make changes that will bring about an opportunistic environment that will put them back on their self-determined track.

Self-determination is a critical function of the autonomous self.  Without it, we would all be members of some Star Trek-like Borg universe.  For various reasons (emotional, mental health, physical illness, etc.) some individuals find it especially difficult to recognize the need for personal change in response to their changing environments, even when those environmental changes bring pain and suffering to them.  Change is always difficult but eventually, if conditions persist long enough or worsen to the person’s breaking point, even the most reluctant individual will recognize the need to change in order to adapt.   

New studies on the concept of self-determination (Self-determination Theory (SDT) http://www.psicologia-uniroma4.it/LS/organizzazione/materiale/cap-49-3-182%5B1%5D.pdf ) show that two distinct forms of self-motivation are at work in most individuals.  They are autonomous motivation and controlled motivation.  Similar to the description of mechanistic motivation above, controlled motivation is defined as an individual’s reaction to an external stimulus and is comprised of behaviors designed to avoid shame and to retain basic self-esteem and balance.  Individuals who react to change in this manner will tend to feel pressured to think and feel or behave in a tightly controlled manner.  They may react harshly to change, practice blaming, refuse to personally adjust, and experience a great deal of distress. 

Similar to the description of organismic motivation above, individuals who practice autonomous motivation practice self-determination, are willing to adapt to change, accept their place within the larger society, and seek to improve their lives.

Additionally, all individuals display one or more of three forms of individual differences in their perspectives to the outside world:  1) autonomous orientation; 2) controlled orientation; and 3) impersonal orientation.  Autonomous orientation, just as its name implies, indicates that an individual feels a great deal of personal autonomy (strong self-determination).  Controlled orientation indicates that an individual does have a good degree of personal autonomy but is constrained by personal beliefs which cause them to be inflexible, rigid in their reactions, to blame outside forces, and to feel stressed because of their inability to effectively handle changes.  Impersonal orientation is best described as an individual who practices little self-determination, is passive, and reacts to outside influences passively.

• Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, and fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.
  Bruce Barton
• Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
  Leo Tolstoy
• If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living.
  Gail Sheehy
• If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.
  Maya Angelou
• Sometimes it’s the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.
  Keri Russell
• Things do not change; we change.
  Henry David Thoreau
  
  We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.
  Harrison Ford
• When you are through changing, you are through.
  Bruce Barton
• There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference.  The little difference is attitude.  The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.

               W. Clement Stone

• The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity.  The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

               Winston Churchill

• Fear less, hope more.  Eat less, chew more.  Whine less, breathe more.  Talk less, say more.  Love more, and all good things will be yours.

               Swedish Proverb

• A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the while.

               Herm Albright

• When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking.

               Albert Einstein

Enlightenment

Early mornings are my favorite part of the day despite the fact that I usually do not experience restful sleep at nights.  I don’t sleep in the bed in our quiet and dark master bedroom which is located at the far end of our home.  Because of the constant pain associated with age-related degenerative disc disease in my lower back, I am unable to sleep in a prone position and instead sleep in my recliner in the family room, located at the noisier end of our house just feet away from where the neighborhood road lies.  But I’m not alone!  I fall asleep every night accompanied by my faithful and usually snoring dog lying nearby on the floor.  Ahh, the soothing sounds of canine sinusitis!

Over the years I have bought and tried many pillows, cushions, body props, and other devices that are ‘Guaranteed to promote restful sleep!’ as their advertisers claim.  They don’t work.  I usually ended up nearly falling off the bed, sliding down to the end of the bed and fighting for space with the dog, or waking after only a couple hours of sleep in painful muscle spasms and cramping.  I have come to accept and to love my Lazy Boy recliner as the amazing sleeping device it really is!  I am thankful for the angle of recline it achieves which results in negative pressure on my aching lower back and allows for some degree of  sleep.  I awake very early every morning, at the noisy end of our home, and am instantly aware of neighborhood goings-on as fathers and mothers start and warm up their cars, trucks, and motorcycles in preparation for their commutes to work, transport of children to schools, etc. 

Before the caffeine in my one morning cup of coffee kicks in along with my daily meds, I watch the early morning news on the local TV channel.  All the crises of the world seem far away and completely disassociated to my own life.  The false cheeriness of the newscasters as they rattle off the latest and most devastating news of the day is almost palatable.  As the weather person predicts the days’ and the weeks’ weather, I can almost trust that their fancy Doppler radar is indeed correct.  As the traffic person warns of accidents, road construction delays, and upcoming daily commuting issues, I wonder why we really need to hear all that blathering every morning.    

Within the first hour of waking, the neighborhood quiets down again.  I switch off the now-annoying newscast on the TV.  My cup of caffeine is circulating up to my now functioning brain and it pops into its normal routine – a million questions, a million concerns, and an overriding feeling that all is not well in the world.  But that’s just me.  I am a responsible adult; heck, I was a responsible adult before the age of 6 because I come from a dysfunctional family and parents who demanded that their children take on very adult roles immediately after weaning.   

You see, my parents were alcoholics.  Of course, in the 20’s, 30’s, 40’s, 50’s . . . oh heck, most of the history of our American country, consuming mass amounts of alcohol in the name of relaxation, socializing, just having fun, or whatever one calls it, was just fine.  In fact, a rite of passage into adulthood was drinking, and today it still is.  Just as we humans pass through the difficult teen years and begin to develop the concept of responsible adulthood, what do we do?  Many take a giant leap back to toddlerhood by arresting their social and emotional development with the chronic use of alcohol.  This is what my parents did.  They both began drinking in earnest before their teens and continued right up to their early deaths.

Active alcoholism by one or both parents results in, shall we say, a very interesting childhood for their children.  In truth, it results in their children developing patterns of coping to parental alcohol addiction that disable those children from going on to lead ‘normal’ adult lives and realizing their full potential.  The term ‘alcoholism’ encompasses so many negative behaviors that it is overwhelming to list them here but most folks are already aware of them from years of media advertisements, national education and awareness, and personal experiences that have made the term ‘alcoholism’ a daily verb in our lives.

We are acutely aware of the life of the alcoholic.  But are we so acutely aware of the resulting lives of those in their close relationships?  I am a non-drinker but I lived through a childhood ravaged by the effects of alcohol on the two adults who were ‘responsible’ for me.  Even as a child I was aware of when my parents were loaded or were bordering on sober.  I knew that when they invited their friends to our home for an evening of pinnacle, this also meant an evening of drinking and drama followed by several days of family upset.  As a child I knew that alcohol was a problem in my family home and that it affected my parents in very negative ways.  But not until my middle age did I begin to develop a true understanding of alcohol’s effects on me, their tee-tootling offspring.

It is trite to say that children learn what they live.  Children are conditioned to what they live.  Conditioned to some behaviors and beliefs, and conditioned away from others.  How many of us, during the course of our working lives, have experienced the effects of a supervisor practicing power over our careers by pronouncing us to be excellent, or inferior performers?  These pronouncements can and do affect us emotionally as well as professionally, whether we admit this or not.  Any adult knows that positive strokes equal a sense of being appreciated, needed, important, and valuable.  The future seems bright.  Negative strokes equal stress, sleepless nights, worry, and sometimes the development of health problems.  The future seems bleak.  If the very real effects of any workplace definition of ourselves can be instrumental in the success of our professional careers, imagine how much more influential the definitions of ourselves from the lips of our parents is?  As adults we are not wedded to any particular job, boss, workplace, or even city or country.  As children we are welded to whatever parents we are born to and their ability or inability to parent effectively, to their substance problems, and in many cases to their abusive treatment.  Adults frequently cope with negative situations by leaving those situations.  Children cannot do that and are forced instead mold themselves to survive physically, emotionally, spiritually, and in every other way to the circumstances their parents create.

Science has revealed that children’s brains continue to develop well into their 20’s.  The actual physical brain mass and the critical functions of learning and memory, decision making, stress control and coping, and more are actively forming from conception through early adulthood.  Science also reveals to us that the effects of smoking, drug, and alcohol consumption on the developing fetus are very negative.  Warnings are now required on cigarettes and alcohol, and societal expectations include that prescription medications, over-the-counter medications, and even coffee be restricted for expectant and lactating mothers.  This is excellent but have we gone far enough?  Living in a home with parents who use substances creates an environment that is equally unhealthy for the newly born baby, toddler, and child, pre-teen, teen, and young adult.  Science is very clear on the negative physical effects to offspring of parental smoking, drug use, and drinking.  And science is equally clear on the damage that alcohol and drug-addled adults cause to children by way of emotional, verbal, and physical abuse and neglect.

Post-natal expectations of responsible care for children should be as clearly defined and enforced as are pre-natal expectations.  Children of any age need and have the right to exist in healthy home environments that are populated by responsible, caring, available adults.  How prudish, you may be thinking!  How intolerant of the needs of the adults!  Don’t parents have the right to live the way they want?  Well, yes, they do.  Any adult has the right to live their life as they choose.  Their life.  Not the lives of their offspring.  Adults who choose to consume alcohol and/or drugs on a frequent basis, smoke cigarettes within the confines of their homes, or practice other unhealthy behaviors, are effectively making the choice against practicing mature behavior which promotes good parenting.  What they are doing in making these choices, as well as in making the choice to become parents, is attempting to fulfill very real biological, emotional, and other needs.  And they have the perfect right to do this.  However, just as the liberated women of the Age of Feminism are finding in their exhausted middle age, trying to be, do, and fulfill their every need causes conflicts from which great distress arises.

I sit in judgment on no one, including myself.  A quick review of my life by any reasonable man could result in sudden insanity to the poor soul.  People do, and should, live their lives according to their wishes, and mature accordingly.  And if those people choose to live recklessly, practicing habits and behaviors that are unhealthy or risky, more power to them!  May they experience the dramatic, short, and whirlwind lives they seek!  Here is one wish of mine:  just as any responsible expectant parent, practicing parent, and grandparent would never consider risking their or the lives of their dependents by, let’s say, placing a radioactive device in their home (or unsecured bottles of alcohol, drugs, etc.), or leading their brood into the den of a mother bear (or a bar, crack house, etc.), or inviting said bear into the family home to wreck destruction (or party animals, drug users, etc.), I wish that adults of child-bearing age would make a conscious choice to either conform themselves to needs of their future children OR to not become parents.  In this decision, we are all winners.

For those of us who experienced a childhood of chaos brought about by alcoholic parents, life is always muddled for us.  Many go on to repeat the experiences of their childhoods upon their own children by become alcoholics as well.  In fairness, both of my parents were products of dysfunctional, alcoholic homes.  They repeated the only life they knew upon their children.  Whether by genetics or intelligence or pure luck or strong will, I broke that pattern.  Perhaps because of my childhood experiences, I firmly believe that parents who are considering opportunities to emotionally escape their lives through the use of substances are parents who should also consider the effects that their choices will have on their completely dependent and helpless children of any age.  If they truly love their children, they can and they will choose what is best for those children over any other urge.  Period.

Enlightenment comes to us all, at its own pace.  It cannot be taught, forced, or willed to appear.  And if we are not open to it, we won’t hear it when it does make its quiet entrance.  Enlightenment comes to me most often during my favorite time of the day, early morning.  Before that first and only cup of coffee, and the meds, and the TV news, and the worries it brings, Enlightenment comes as dreams go and as my eyes open to the new day.

As my eyes opened this morning, as I lay in the same recliner in which I have been sleeping for several years, located at the same spot in the same family room the contents of which have not changed for years, Enlightenment came.  Located near my recliner in the family room are a glass-fronted hutch and a wine cabinet which contain various wine and alcohol bottles that my husband pours from for himself and for our infrequent guests.  Setting atop the wine cabinet are two very familiar alcohol decanters.  They are an inheritance from my parents and I brought them into my own home after my parents both passed away.  I brought them into my own home.  Two alcohol decanters.  The same two alcohol decanters from which my parents poured countless drinks over their lifetimes.  Drinks that took them into alcoholism and that caused incredible chaos and destruction to them and in the lives of everyone around them.  As I awoke this morning I saw, for the first time, those two decanters as the true family inheritance that they represent.  They are not two lovely gold-etched decanters meant to decorate a home.  They are two vessels from which my parents chose to deliver pain upon themselves and their family.  And I brought them into my own home.  As a remembrance, a family treasure, of my childhood home. 

This is exactly what the children of alcoholic parents do.  Because they never knew ‘normal’ patterns in their relationships during their growing-up years, they bring forward what they do know, believing that it is their valued possession from childhood.  Their resulting adult lives are usually chaotic and crises-riddled as they practice the only conditioning they know well into their adult lives.  You have heard of these childhood patterns:  the rebel, the perfect child, etc.  If they are fortunate, some circumstance of their lives will bring about the awareness that all is not as it should be.  They will seek out help, education, information, etc., and they will learn.  They will learn ‘normal’ and they will do their best to live it every day.  But just as alcoholics find it extremely difficult not to repeat their bad patterns, the children of alcoholics struggle to maintain ‘normal’ and to find peace in their lives.  They try, fail, get up, and try again.  Moments of Enlightenment come and another step forward is taken.

The destructive chaos and lifestyle patterns that alcoholic parents create in their homes condition their children to that lifestyle.  That chaos is all those children know as their growing bodies and developing brains, emotions, spirits, etc., emerge into adulthood.  Just as a houseplant will live or die from its level of care, a growing child will thrive or barely survive.  The developing brain, neurology, chemistry, etc., of the child will mold itself to survive in the environment within which it grows.  Children who grow in a chaotic environment will physically develop brains that are conditioned to that environment.  Is it any wonder that those children go on in adulthood to seek out the only environments – and people - for which their brains have been conditioned?  Other, even healthier, environments feel strange, unfamiliar, and stressful.  Those children will bring the destructive patterns of their parents into their own futures even as they strive to make better lives for themselves.  If those children are fortunate, some spark will light a fire that will grow into a fury that will demand change that will result in learning and Enlightenment that will carry on for their entire lifetime. 

What about those two gold-etched alcohol decanters which are my family heirlooms?  Yes, they represent a painful chapter of my life.  But they also represent some powerful concepts:  people I care for and depend upon can and do make life choices that I do not agree with and that cause chaos in their lives.  Their lives.  Not mine.  Not any longer.  The old pattern of childhood from my parent’s home does not sway me to accept the belief that the chaotic and destructive choices of others, even of those whom I love, entitles them to practice those choices upon me or to bring the consequences of those choices down upon me.  Perhaps those two lovely decanters are valuable family heirlooms after all.  Yes, I did bring unhealthy things forward from my chaotic childhood.  But similar to those decanters that set  in my home ready to be recognized and used, those unhealthy things can remain in place and unused.  They can just remain where they are, with a new and positive use of being available for providing that next moment of Enlightenment.