Facing Reality

“I’d like to make a motion that we face reality” – Bob Newhart, from the Bob Newhart show

               I have always liked Bob and watched the Bob Newhart show regularly when it aired in the 1980’s and 1990’s.  Bob Newhart (the actor) played Bob Newhart (the psychologist) and the show portrayed the frustrations of that kind-hearted psychologist as he struggled to help everyone around him to function productively in the world – and forgot to help himself.  Bob, though a professional psychologist who saw clients in an office setting and during regular working hours, seemed unable to turn off his helping behavior during his other waking hours.  Every person in his life, client and otherwise, looked to Bob for help and expected him to solve their problems.  And Bob tried to do just that most of the time.  Once in a while, Bob would rebel and try to extricate himself when overload occurred but most of the time Bob just went along and did what others expected of him.

               Folks like Bob have a learned urge to help others and sometimes this urge takes them into dangerous and unhealthy waters.  Even though Bob was a professional, and he must have been aware of the meanings for and importance of concepts such as personal boundaries, self-esteem, self-awareness and such, he was not able to put them into practice much of the time.  Bob was a co-dependent personality.

               The world loves co-dependent folks most of the time.  They display passive, excessively caretaking, and compliant behaviors.  They put the needs of others ahead of their own, often to their personal detriment.  They do this NOT because they are striving to imitate Mother Teresa, but because they have learned and been conditioned to be preoccupied with the needs of others.  At some point in their lives they were told or otherwise conditioned to:

ü  Deny their own feelings in order to take on and deal with the feelings of others

ü  Compromise their own values and integrity in order to maintain an intimate relationship

ü  Solve the emotions, needs, and life problems of others because they were expected to

ü  Deny and hide their own needs and life problems in order to focus on others

ü  Need, seek out,  and value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings and behavior over their own

ü  Fear abandonment and rejection and avoid confrontation because of this

ü  Accept abuse and negative patterns of behavior from others and place the blame for it on themselves

ü  Believe that if they did not do the above, they were selfish, ungrateful wretches

               Codependent Bob rarely smiled.  He was often very irritable.  Sometimes he would hide from his clients and other ‘needy’ people.  Bob’s wife was constantly frustrated with him and his inability to deal with life.  Bob just could not relax and have fun because he was consumed with worry about others.  He frequently judged himself and others negatively and asked ‘why can’t we face reality and fix our problems?’  Bob frequently stated that his best efforts to help others were not good enough because others refused to face their own problems and so he must not be working hard enough, doing enough, or being enough for them.  Bob saw everyone in his life as a victim to some degree and he their ‘fixer of problems’.  Poor Bob felt responsible for everyone and everything around him and when he went into overload he became fearful, angry, insecure, compulsive, etc. – he took on the exact issues of those he was trying so hard to help.  Something in Bob’s thinking caused him to fear serious repercussions if he tried to take even one tiny step away from being the raging codependent he was.  It’s no wonder that Bob rarely smiled and that Bob was often in a bad mood!

               How Bob became a raging codependent is important but not nearly as important as his need to recognize his emotional maladjustment and to address it.  Therapy, meds, and other means are available to Bob – if he would only make that first tiny step towards recovery.  But Bob was full of fear of ‘what if’. 

               Bob had some cause to fear serious repercussions because Bob’s very codependent traits made him the natural target for narcissists.  Narcissists crave compliance, admiration, and control and codependent people crave being needed and looking to another for validation of their worth.  This type of relationship creates an unhealthy ‘dance’ wherein the codependent subordinates herself to the narcissist.  This causes the codependent to believe that she must be supportive of the narcissist at all times and no matter what and cannot let go of the narcissist even when he is:

• Unavailable emotionally or sexually
• Afraid to commit and keeps one foot out the door at all times
• Cannot communicate effectively
• Is unloving, distant, abusive, controlling, dictatorial, ego-centric, or
• Addicted to something outside the relationship such as drugs, alcohol, etc.

               Love between partners cannot endure when these types of behaviors are practiced by the narcissist upon the codependent.  The codependent becomes fearful of abandonment, clingy, prone to panic, angry, depressed, and no longer unable to cope.  The relationship is then characterized as ‘I hate you but please don’t leave me.’  The codependent is no longer in love with the narcissist – but is afraid to let go.  Even though the extremely unhealthy relationship has damaged her health and emotional well-being, the codependent is so afraid of being alone, of change, of possibly hurting her narcissistic partner – that she becomes like a deer in the headlights and freezes in misery.

               This can be the situation for years.  For some, it will never change.  But for some, a significant event will occur that will ‘wake up’ the codependent and bring about a brief understanding of her situation.  If she is able to summon a good deal of will, courage, and strength, she will then seek out assistance.  She will seek therapy, attend meetings such as Al-Anon or other 12-step programs, read and take classes, and otherwise begin the process of understand how she learned codependency, how this brought her to her unhealthy relationship, and what she must do to recover.  Note that recovery does not involve the narcissist in any way.  Remember, narcissists will not change, believe that they do not have a problem, and will seek to sideline or otherwise stop the codependent’s efforts to grow stronger.  The codependent must be willing to admit her own shortcomings and that her codependent behaviors are of her own making and can be changed.  Learning to focus on her own behaviors and shortcomings, to stop attempting to control or ‘fix’ the results of the negative behaviors of the narcissist, and to stop denying that her life is out of control because she is fixated upon others, will allow her to find peace of mind and begin a new, positive chapter in life. 

               Al-anon teaches that by practicing loving detatchment from narcissistic personalities, one can again find hope and joy in life.  Codependency, like other learned problem behaviors such as alcoholism, is never cured but can be effectively managed. 

A Piece of My Heart

Our pets.  Why do we love them so much?  It certainly isn’t rational.  Their lifespans are much shorter than ours.  They didn’t give birth to us, raise us, or support us financially through college.  They aren’t our bosses, our pastors, our marriage partners or our children.  They won’t save us in a medical emergency, fire, or accident.  They don’t provide much of what is critical in life – except unconditional love. 

My dog, Jake, has an interesting way of looking at our relationship and his place in my home.  From the time he was a tiny puppy he determined that it is his job to keep me in line.  In the morning he stands in front of me to indicate that, hey, it is time to get up out of that recliner and do something – anything but sit around!  Jake is an Australian Shepherd and he has a burning stare that says, ‘I’m the boss and I’m not moving until you do.’  During the day he is my constant companion – constantly underfoot, in the way, in need of a treat, asking to go out and then back in and out again pretty darn soon after the first time.  His toys are scattered all over the house and at intervals he cheerily brings me a slobbery Kong toy to be filled with peanut butter, a slimy fabric squeak toy to throw, or anything else that is lying around.  In the evenings he will stand at the back door, on guard, until I notice and lock the door and close the curtains.  Only then will he go ‘off duty’ for the day, assured that the house is secure and he can finally flop down on his dog bed and snooze.  And, do I dare to go somewhere in the car without him – HA! No way.  As I mentioned above, he is either in front of me, behind me, at my feet or on my lap at all times.  Should I reach for my purse, car keys, or even cell phone, he is instantly alerted that it is time to go for a ride!  In Jake’s mind (I think) he simply cannot conceive of a separation between us.  We belong together . . . whether it is convenient or not.  For Jake, his purpose in life is – me – and I am positive that he believes my purpose in life is him because that is how he behaves, bless his heart. 

Cats are a little bit different.  At least most of them are.  My family has had the wonderful experience of owning a cat that, I swear, was smarter than most.  Her name was Ork.  My son was 14 at the time we brought Ork home to be his cat.  He was also a fan of role playing games so I ‘blame’ him for the years of questioning glances from vets, neighbors, and friends who met her and asked, ‘Ork?  What’s an Ork?’  Ork witnessed more events during her long life of 21 years than we could have ever imagined when we picked her and her sister Mocha out of a litter of free cats.  Both were mutts without pedigree.  Who cared – they were adorable and soft and cuddly and that made them perfect.  As both of my kids grew up and moved out, leaving the cats behind, it seemed natural for me to bond even closer with them.  An empty nest can be a difficult thing.  Pets became my ‘furry children’ and I, for one, thank God for that.  Ork and Mocha had the run of the house for 7 years before Jake appeared on the scene.  After a few days of adjustment, all was well.  All 3 moved with me from Alaska to Seattle in 1999 when a career move was offered.  In 2001, I developed a sudden, severe illness (Systemic Lupus) and lost my health and career at the same time because of it.  It was a heavy blow but as I sat, ill and bedridden for an entire year, all 3 offered themselves as an extra blanket to keep ‘Mom’ warm and in good company.   It took 2 years and physical therapy to become mobile enough to get out and about again.  They were patient . . . if Mom was a bit slow handing out the treats, or throwing the slimy dog toy, or scattering the catnip – no problem.  In 2004, the 4 of us stayed behind when my husband accepted a position in London, England, and left for 2 years.  I worried that I would not be able to keep up with everything in the house and yards, just as I was becoming somewhat mobile again.  It was very comforting to find that Ork, Mocha, and Jake adjusted quickly to a reduced number in the family and taking their cue, I did too.  The 4 of us managed, and the bond between my 3 ‘furry children’ and me became even stronger. 

As most cats do, Ork and Mocha developed kidney issues as they aged.  Beginning at age 9, they both required nightly injections of subcutaneous fluids by IV to keep their kidneys flushed.  They also required a pill for thyroid issues.  So every evening I would seek them out like a dutiful Mom and would administer the fluids and poke down the pills.  Mocha suffered a series of strokes during 2007, and in 2008 the vet and I held her as she slipped away peacefully from the vets tender administration of medication.  Ork wondered for a while about Mocha’s absence but time healed the absence and we moved forward.  By this time, though, Ork was age 19 and skinny as a rail so I bought her a heated cat bed and placed it on one end of our couch.  It became known as ‘Orks butt bed’ because she would position herself just so, on the heating pad, and a little cat smile would curl up her whiskers and her gaze would say, ‘thanks Mom, I LOVE this bed!’ 

At the start of this year, 2011, Ork’s health began to go seriously downhill.  I knew the time was coming to say goodbye but held off until the Mother’s Instinct said ‘now’.  Ork had been there as my kids entered their teens, as they left home, as we moved to a new state and a new life in a different home, as I battled the start of a chronic disease and the loss of a career, as – so many changes happened.  You know, we humans like to think that we are tough.  Especially women.  We marry, bear children, manage homes and finances, cook, clean, shop, chauffeur, and cheer on – as we work like soldiers in demanding careers to put food on the table.  We love being needed and we love caring for those – furry and not – who look to us for love, support, caring, dinner, $5 to go to the movies with friends, and everything else.  As we watch our human children grow and leave home, it is our job to cheer them on to independence – even though in our minds and hearts they will always be our babies.  But it is different with pets.  They are our babies until the end and we never have to let them go until it is absolutely necessary.  We can be completely selfish in our love for them – and they love us for that. 

One day in January, Ork and I locked eyes and I knew it was that time.  I made the decision, called the vet, carried her in my arms to the appointment, and cried like a baby as she slipped away.  And as her little spirit soared to that Next World, a dam broke in my heart. 

Narcissism - Again

On the news yesterday I heard that the Feds have indicted John Edwards for potential misuse of political contributions.  What a shame . . . cuz ain’t he a cutie?  Doesn’t he have the sweetest boyish smile?  He could have been President one day, for Heavens sake!  I can see why his late wife Elizabeth found him attractive with that slow Southern drawl.  And his late wife, Elizabeth, was the picture of a loving, supportive, smart potential First Lady.  Their kids are all achievers and examples of America’s positive future. 

THAT is what folks were thinking BEFORE we all found out that Edwards’ carefully crafted public image was a complete lie.  That was before we watched Elizabeth cry, speak, and write about her broken family.  And then she died.  That was before we watched Edwards’ paramour parade their love child into court and everywhere else in disdain for the little, closed-minded, and judgmental attitudes of Americans – in her opinion. 

How on earth can we resolve the gaping differences between the image that Edwards has carefully crafted for public consumption and the reality that becomes clearer everyday on the evening news?  How can we understand his paramour’s apparent unconcern about the feelings of Edwards’ wife and children?  Or even her own child who will one day learn the truth?

Many of us (including me) know the definitions of a lie and the truth, we are able to catch our kids in little lies by learning their tics and give-aways, and we are capable of searching out facts and comparing them with what we are told to make sure that both match.  We are careful consumers and seek out facts, opinions, consumer reports, and more prior to making purchases.  We scan our monthly utility bills, credit cards, and other bills to make sure that we are not overcharged or become victims of fraud.  We actually read the Voters Pamphlet before placing our votes so that our conscience can rest easy.   When we perceive a lie, we react in accordance with our values and morals and we feel justified in doing so.  And most of us try to avoid lying – other than the occasional little white lies that assure our wives that their new dress does not make their caboose look big, our husbands that their obsession with local sports teams is a good thing, and our kids that their crayon drawings are potential art for the Louvre.

Most of us live in a world of truth.  We try very hard to keep it this way.  We know that truth is needed in order to maintain loving relationships.  We believe that a fundamental American value is truth.  We are shocked and angered by the thievery, deception, murderous, negative behavior of criminals.  We protect our loved ones from them.  We also protect our loved ones from aggressive dogs in the neighborhood, busy streets and cars whizzing by, lead paint, and every other potential harm – that we are aware of.

The political world exists in another dimension to most of us.  All we know of most politicians is what we see, hear, and read in the media.  Many of us make our voting decisions based on those observations.  We do some research – online or in newspapers and magazines – but know that the research is probably reporting only what that politician wants us to know.  But those are our only resources.  And we place our trust – such as it is - in public officials based on that information.

We are shocked, stunned, angered, bewildered, and saddened when suddenly those media sources announce ‘Breaking News!’ that is completely incongruent with that we have always heard.  This is made worse when the politician continues to lie during carefully staged public appearances and newscasts and blames the media for being a pack of wolves trying to ruin his reputation for the benefit other politicians.  The wife and family of the politician appear on the media to announce their complete belief in and support for the politician.  Congress takes up the issue and takes sides.  The nightly news is consumed with the drama.

Sometimes it ends there and we are forever wondering about the truth.  The media lose interest in the story and move on to other stories.  But sometimes crack reporters, investigators, etc., are able to gain access to information that proves, without a doubt, that the politician has been lying to us, spinning the media, and all with that sweet, boyish smile that is completely disarming.

We are disgusted and shocked.  We continue to watch the nightly news and are sickened when the story continues to evolve and becomes even more disgusting and shocking.  For those of us who were of age when the Watergate scandal unfolded, the disenchantment and loss of sense of security in our American political system is once again triggered.  Those were terrible days in our country.  The entire population was flogged nightly with the unfolding realization that some of our political leaders are cheating, lying criminals.  We processed that sad realization and we moved forward hoping another Watergate would never occur; hoping against hope that politicians would return to honesty; and hoping that we would one day learn to trust them again.  For me, that day has never come and when I turn on the nightly news and hear about the activities of politicians such as Edwards, I am not shocked or surprised.  Somehow such activities have become more rather than less normal for the folks existing in such ‘high’ places. 

Here is a truth about politicians:  most of them are lawyers.  Here is a truth about lawyers: the most important aspect of the law, in their opinions and in their lives, is not what the laws says, but what the law does NOT say.  Edwards’ statement on the nightly news is a perfect example, ‘I’ve done wrong, but I did not break the law’.  You can bet your bottom dollar that Edwards and his army of lawyer-friends have thoroughly researched his use of contributions as payoff money to his paramour and whether the law states – with specificity – that how he did this was illegal.  You see, evidently two of Edward’s buddies gave him huge contributions that were not specifically identified as being for political purposes and those contributions were then forwarded to Edwards’ paramour to shut her up and keep her out of the spotlight.  The fact that while this was happening: 1) Edwards forced an employee of his to lie and take responsibility for fathering the child of Edwards and his paramour; 2) Edwards told an employee to send the funds to his paramour; 3) Edwards continued to maintain his political office and to politic for future political office; and 4) even as payments were made to Edwards’ paramour, with whom he continued to have an active relationship, Edwards stated that ‘he did not know that any such payments were being made; and 5) current law regarding political contributions states that contributions given to politicians are believed to be for their political efforts unless those contributions are specifically tagged as otherwise.  None of this seems to matter to Edwards.  Edwards and his army of lawyer-friends have decided for themselves that the laws for political contributions are not specific enough at this time to clearly identify his activities as illegal.  And this is why Edwards is flashing his sweet, boyish smile on the nightly news again while he is thinking, ‘when is this ever going to end?’ even as he is stating to the media, ‘I take full responsibility for what I have done.  I will regret for the rest of my life the pain and the harm that I have done.’  It is interesting that when the Court magistrate read the charges to Edwards and then asked him if he understood the charges, he did not answer respectfully ‘Yes, you’re Honor’.  He answered, ‘Yes sir, I am an attorney’.  I’m only surprised that he didn’t add a wink and chuckle when he said that.

The Federal indictment will go forward, Edwards will fight it, and we will all be dragged – once again – down the path of disgust in our politicians.  Oh, and Congress will decide that new legislation is required to identify this specific activity and the way in which it was done as being illegal.  They will pass a law, pat themselves on the back, and make personal notes to find ways to sneak around the new law in their own lives.  After all, if a law does not specifically state that something is wrong, even if we know that it isn’t right, we can still do it without fear of the law.  Right?  That is how politicians think.  They are lawyers; they know the law; they know what the law says and what it does not say.  They write the laws and purposefully make them as vague as possible.  They tell us that this is the democratic way.  Laws are passed down to judges, federal agencies, and other entities to ‘interpret’ them and apply that interpretation which is frequently found to be vague, in conflict with some other law or legal decision or agency rule or regulation, in need of tightening up – and voila! Congress has another little chore to do to keep it busy while it completely ignores the bigger problems in America today.  Maybe if we small folk send contributions to politicians in the future, we will also need to sign and send along a statement that reads something like: I understand that I am giving these funds to So-and-So bigwig politician for use in his political campaigns and NOT for use in: paying off paramours, supporting children born out of wedlock, using official vehicles to attend baseball games, bribery, extortion, cronyism, nepotism, patronage, graft, embezzlement, criminal enterprise . . .

You know what, forget it.  I’m not contributing anymore.  Let their rich cronies continue to pay for their stupid actions. 

Edwards’ is a classic narcissist.  As a matter of fact, there are quite a few of them clogging the nightly news lately.  They include:  Tiger Woods, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Iran’s “president” Ahmadinejad, the late Osama bin Laden, Egyptian “president” Hosni Mubarak, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, and the list goes on.  What – again – is a narcissist?  For the love of yourself, your family, your neighbors, your city, town, and country, PLEASE print this list, keep it with you, and when your gut starts to tell you that something is wrong with a person, check this list!

From http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652/DSECTION=symptoms

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

• Believing that you're better than others
• Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
• Exaggerating your achievements or talents
• Expecting constant praise and admiration
• Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
• Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
• Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
• Taking advantage of others
• Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
• Being jealous of others
• Believing that others are jealous of you
• Trouble keeping healthy relationships
• Setting unrealistic goals
• Being easily hurt and rejected
• Having a fragile self-esteem
• Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional

Narcissists can be anyone and are not only celebrities, politicians, etc.  If you encounter a narcissist or are ready to recognize a narcissist already in your life, please realize this:

From http://allpsych.com/disorders/personality/narcissism.html

Treatment Treatment for this disorder is very rarely sought.  There is a limited amount of insight into the symptoms, and the negative consequences are often blamed on society.  In this sense, treatment options are limited.  Some research has found long term insight oriented therapy to be effective, but getting the individual to commit to this treatment is a major obstacle. Prognosis Prognosis is limited and based mainly on the individual's ability to recognize their underlying inferiority and decreased sense of self worth.  With insight and long term therapy, the symptoms can be reduced in both number and intensity.

We are seeing, on the nightly news, the effects of being in a relationship with a narcissist.  One need only look into the eyes and hear the words of (the late) Elizabeth Edwards, Maria Shriver, Elin Nordegren (the ex-Mrs. Tiger Woods) and the many other spouses, children, family members, and others who are harmed by the narcissists in their lives. 

Maybe it is time that we begin treating these narcissists as exactly what they really are – 2-year-olds in an adult body, unable to control their emotions and actions, and focused solely on themselves.  I say let’s put up the child gate and try to vote them out of office, boot them out of clubs and organizations, stop supporting them by attending their movies and concerts, and relegate them to the playpen.  And for our own sanity let’s stop hoping that someday they will change, that someday they will show their loved ones and society the respect we deserve, that someday they will THINK about how the feelings of others might be affected BEFORE they act on their selfish desires.  Most of all, for our own emotional health let’s understand that a narcissist will not, cannot, does not want to change.  We cannot empathize, sympathize, teach, reason with, or otherwise help them – only professionals have a slim chance in hell of helping them.  For our own emotional health, let’s learn to recognize and avoid them and if that is not possible, how to effectively deal with them. 

From http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Living_With_a_Narcissist#Coping_strategies

• Take care of your self-esteem
• Accept that there are some things you cannot change
• Protect or regain some of your independence
• Learn to understand the narcissist
• Learn to identify and record the danger signs