Optimist? or Pessimist?

Which are you?  I’m an optimist, through and through.  This goes against the grain of many folks who, for some odd reason, seem to believe that optimism equals the helpless little lamb in the wilderness and pessimism equals the big, bad wolf on the prowl that will eventually find and eat the little lamb.  These folks have read too many scary books!  Wikipedia definitions:

Optimist - a tendency to expect the best, or at least, a favorable outcome; the doctrine that this world is the best of all possible worlds; the belief that good will eventually triumph over evil

Pessimist - a general disposition to look on the dark side and to expect the worst in all things

WHAT A CROCK!  (but I say that with a positive expression) 

Heather’s definition of an optimist –  is fully aware of the hardships of life, has experience dealing with bad outcomes and bad people, and realizes from experience that even when the big bad wolf is searing you with his bad breath and obnoxious behavior that you can still survive him; knows that life is short and doesn’t want to waste one moment by sinking into thoughts of the worst; frequently appreciates the decent days, beautiful landscapes, outstanding humanity all around; prepares for bad times by practicing disaster preparedness; attempts to maintain good health by following good eating and exercise habits; reaches out for help and sometimes even hollers ‘SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!’ when life becomes difficult to deal with; tries and stumbles and falls and ends up in the emergency room but gets right back up and tries again; and finally, realizes that the experience we call life is not the end.  When souls pass from this difficult and challenging place that we call life, we move on to something more that we have worked very hard to deserve and are looking forward to.  An optimist knows about evil; but turns towards good.

Heather’s definition of a pessimist – believes the modern concepts of ‘life should be a barrel of fun!’, ‘I’m OK, you’re OK’, and that if you are not being OK to me, I WILL take you out like a bad Dirty Harry movie.  And doing that is OK.  Eventually comes to realize that life is quite challenging and UNfun at times.  This pisses them off.  They then begin practicing constant awareness of the badness in other people and the fact that bad events are liable to happen any moment.  Life is sneaky that way.  Believes that numerous comets and asteroids are whizzing towards earth in suicidal adventures for all; and recently that the Mayan were NOT primitive people who depended on human sacrifice and reading the entrails of dead chickens to predict the future but WERE misunderstood, supremely intelligent people who, despite their annoying habits, could absolutely read the future – and they predict that the END IS NEAR!  Pessimists are in constant internal conflict between their hopeful expectations of an easy life and the realities of life.  Every annoying, challenging, or bad thing that happens to them is thought to be aimed directly at them and not due to misunderstandings, the frailties of others, or natural disasters that follow their own drum beat.  A pessimist knows about evil; believes that it is unfair; tries to avoid it; and is pissed off that it keeps finding him.

If you are an optimist, groove on, friend!  Keep sending out those positive vibes – the world needs them.  Especially the pessimists.  If you are an optimist, you are probably zen-ning at a local yoga class, growing veggies in your backyard raised bed gardens, ignoring stupid TV commercials and/or finding them hilarious, frequently ‘talking’ with God, volunteering for good causes and to help in natural disasters, alerting  neighbors to the release of Level III sex offenders into your area, canning food and preserving fruits for the lean times, budgeting until your family starts to think you are a tightwad, prodding everyone to eat better and exercise more, visiting a psychologist/spiritual leader/shaman to gain insights into yourself and others, and even appreciating the pessimists in your life because they are the yang to your yin.

If you are a pessimist, HEY stop feeling so bad about yourself, buddy!  You are needed in this world, too.  Optimists frequently need pessimists to remind them to get their heads out of the clouds when the sun is burning them to a crisp.  As a pessimist, you are working in the heights of government and corporations and aiming your considerable will power like a heat seeking missile at your opponents.  You are directing your disappointment at the realities of life into soulful music, thoughtful books, and sometimes tirades that result in everything from family arguments to world revolutions.  Sometimes the world needs a really pissed off revolutionary who just ISN’T GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!  If you are open to this, here is something to consider:  the lifespan of a human being is short.  You spend 17-25 years in childhood or young adulthood where you are provided for by others – how can that be all bad?  You are most likely able to provide for yourself during your mature adulthood of about 30 years.  Note: most homeless folks are probably optimists.  They actually ASK for donations and help.  Pessimists are the ones stealing from others in order to keep themselves in champagne and caviar.  So if you are able to provide a decent life for yourself in an honest manner, how can that be bad?  You are a winner!  The autumn and winter of your life will most likely be spent in comfortable retirement where you can indulge in your hobbies of watching scary or war movies (same thing to my mind), competing online and winning at Death Game or War Expert or whatever those video games are called wherein mass amounts of people are massacred, and waiting anxiously for the Next Predicted Disaster.  Hopefully you are married to an optimist who will occasionally throw food your way, drag you out for a walk, secretly turn off power to the house to get you away from those anxiety producing movies and video games sometimes, and remind you – constantly – that yes, Virginia, there is a God.

In Honor of Memorial Day

I heard an interesting quote today from a historical documentary about the U.S. Civil War: ‘In the darkness, blue and grey look the same.  You can’t tell the difference.’

My mushy brain did not immediately go to ‘wow, that must involve the retina and eye mechanisms failing to discern the pigmentation due to the lack of light.’  My mushy brain went immediately to ‘when life is darkest, maybe our differences aren’t so different at all.  In our propensity to analyze and over analyze everything, sometimes we focus on our differences and our problems rather than our similarities and accomplishments and that’s a big mistake.’

Do you know the difference between a humanities writer and a political/financial analyst/entertainment writer?  One of them is telling the truth.

Long, long ago an amazing man named Moses accomplished something that later, President Lincoln accomplished as well.  Both amazing men managed to bring together a large group of people who were otherwise more likely to pull apart because those peoples focused only on their differences.  Yes, their differences were profound.  But both amazing men felt strongly that ethics, morals, and a sense of humanity must win the day.  Both men faced conflict, used stern discipline on their peoples, resorted to capital punishment when absolutely necessary, and grieved at the magnitude of their duties.  Neither man wanted the job of leading their rowdy people but when the need became apparent, both men stepped up to the plate.  They both did the best they could and wished they could have done even better.  History shows that they did a pretty good job, in my humble opinion.  Both men looked at the differences, squabbles, issues, etc., of their peoples as well as the conflicts their peoples were facing with other, very different cultures that had other, very different values.  Both men realized that there was no way a peaceful co-existence was possible but both men also did attempt to smooth the differences before making the momentous decisions to fight for freedom and their right to exist according to their and their peoples ethics, morals, and values.  Both men prevailed but at a very heavy cost to themselves, their families, their people, and their nations.

Another similarity of those two amazing men was that they spoke the truth.  There was no spin, no political overtones, no shading of the truth.  Neither man viewed himself as above anyone else, or not subject to the very ethics, morals, and values for which he was fighting.  They were not two-faced, showing one face to the public and another to their intimates.  And both men commanded large groups of people, men and women, who fought to the death.  Yes, both men practiced manipulation of people in order to bring about change but their motives were profoundly humanistic and meant to accomplish the most good for the most people.  Both men were humanitarians and were strongly aware that whatever actions they took, whatever orders they gave, whatever look or word, or sigh they made would affect others.  I perceive that both men maintained a clear and consistent personal filter through which they processed their emotions, their desires, their instincts, and their needs in order to assure that their subsequent actions were consistent with their humanitarian goals.

President Lincoln never saw the new nation that his greatness brought into existence.  He was killed by a little man driven by selfish and vindictive drives that he chose to act upon.  Moses never crossed into the Promised Land with his people.  Supposedly Moses was told by God that he could not, but my mushy brain perceives a different truth.  Moses, like President Lincoln, set into place certain laws that were meant to define their peoples.  These laws were what people in the legal field would comment upon as being able to stand on their own.  This means that these laws would stand every test that humanity could subject them to and still hold true.  It also means that the creator of these laws was not necessary to their application.  In other words, when President Lincoln was cruelly murdered and when Moses died at the border of the Promised Land, the laws they created did not die with them. 

President Lincoln gave his life for this country.  In his personal diary, he wrote that he had a premonition of his impending death.  Yet he carried on and prior to his murder, he made sure that his ideals were passed into law or were impressed onto others to carry forward.  Moses was told that he would die when he finally reached the border of the Promised Land.  Yet he carried on and prior to his passing, he recited – word for word - every word of the laws that God commanded him to take to his people at Mt. Sinai. 

Had President Lincoln lived long after the conclusion of the Civil War, or had Moses lived to cross into the Promised Land, their peoples may have become an entirely different culture.  Humans have the annoying propensity to idealize and to lift up certain individuals above others.  President Lincoln and Moses both knew that this was wrong.  Had either man lived longer lives, their nations may have focused upon the men and not the laws that they lived and died to bring forward. 

Our nation today is shot through with financial talking heads, political celebrities, entertainment idols, etc.  A person cannot listen to the radio or attempt to watch a decent television show without being insulted by their words and actions.  This is compounded by the ridiculous claims of marketers who try to convince everyone that their particular product is better, faster, and more desirable than any other.  Financial analysts spin the latest market hiccup according to the scripts they are given by the Powers That Be in high places.  Political celebrities smile for the cameras and then break the hearts of their intimates by their disgusting behavior.  Entertainment idols look fabulous – as they consume mass amounts of illicit drugs and alcohol while living by every unfiltered passion, desire, and instinct that pops into their muddled brains.

Can it be that today, in our prosperous society that knows no bounds, we are in the midst of the greatest test of the ideals that President Lincoln and Moses created?  It is easy to perceive a threat to the good of our people when it is presented as a gun, bomb, or terror threat.  It is not so easy to perceive the subtle threats that appear in the form of manipulative financial ‘geniuses’, sly and deceptive politicians, entertainers who portray their drugged out lifestyles as cool and to be envied.  Could it be that today some of us are focused on the things that not important – and not focused on what and who we are and who we can become if we choose to live decent, ethical lives in respect of the laws that great men like Moses and President Lincoln lived and died for?  And thousands of our fellow countrymen and women likewise died to defend?

My mushy brain is simply awestruck by the goodness of the decent people in this country.  Decent people who know are aware of ALL the problems we face (hey, they watch TV too and can’t avoid seeing the talking heads, political celebrities, and entertainment idols in action) but they focus on a reality that men like Moses and President Lincoln presented long ago.  They go out every day and pull victims from a burning building, patrol our city streets to protect us from criminals, put on a military uniform and muster and into war.  They teach our children at school, provide medical services at our hospitals, join volunteer organizations to assist in disasters.  They farm to grow our food, fish to bring our seafood to market, and create community gardens and farmers markets.  These decent Americans know the real truth –our differences aren’t so great after all.  In the face of darkness such as after 9/11, after Hurricane Katrina, after the recent tornadoes in our Midwest states, these decent Americans put into practice the ethics, morals, and values of old and they get things done.  There is a profound truth in this that no analyst, politician, or entertainer can spin . . . when we stand together despite our differences, when we choose to practice decency, and when we are respectful of others, we cannot help but become the nation that great men like Moses and President Lincoln foresaw.  We cannot help but make honorable all the blood and sacrifice that all the men and women, military or not, of our history have shed and suffered in order to create the future we now enjoy.  We cannot help but be our personal best.

Narcissism Part Dux

A few of Heather’s Original Observations:

1.  How many narcissists does it take to clean the bathroom?  None, that’s why they have wives/janitors.
2. How do narcissists react to thoughtful, well-intended suggestions for home/relationship/office improvements?  They don’t – at least to your face.  You will be let go/served with divorce papers/fired the next day by a call from a relative or HR.
3. How does a narcissist perceive proposed company reductions in staff when announced?  Heh, those losers!  (meaning everyone else in the company, of course)  He/she receives her/his layoff notice the following day and is stunned.
4. How does a narcissist react to your emotional needs?  However you want him/her to . . . after years of careful observation, the narcissist can fake almost any emotion.
5. When a narcissist sees a handicapped person at a crosswalk, what does he/she say?  Hitler was right – those people are a drain on our scarce resources! ( speaking loudly so the handicapped person will most definitely overhear).
6. How does a narcissist function in informal get-togethers?  Not very well.  He/she frequently uses substances of every type to cope with the stupidity of others at these types of events.  Geeze, losers are so annoying (meaning everyone else, of course).
7. What does the narcissist think of faith, regardless of whether it is mentioned in the context of organized religion?  Marx was right – religion is the opiate of the masses.  (By the way, his/her opiate is probably alcohol or cocaine).
8. What does a narcissist dream of at night?  Power, success, praise, admiration, and glory.  Isn’t that what everyone dreams of?  Of course, his/her dreams acknowledge his/her superiority and place him/her in the role of Pharoah pursuing the Israelites to the sea.  We all know how that turned out.
9. What does a narcissist talk about in social/business/personal/travel/PTA/church/all other gatherings?  His/her achievements.  And nothing else.
10. How does a narcissist perceive the law?  It is there for stupid people.  If the narcissist drives after drinking, speeds through a school zone, fails to slow for emergency vehicles, etc., it is because those stupid laws don’t apply to him/her.  Laws are for losers.
11. What does a narcissist think after he/she says something insulting to someone else?  Why is that person looking at me that way?  I was only: 1) trying to help; 2) speaking the obvious; 3) giving my considered opinion; 4) trying to be funny; 5) blah, blah, blah.  He/she then moves on to speak with someone else who may actually be worthy.
12. What does a narcissist say when a spouse/friend/foe/employee/child/all other criticizes him/her?  Not much but watch out for the flying objects he/she will begin to throw while yelling/screaming obscenities in justifiable rage at your comment.  By the way, you WILL pay for that later.  See #2 above.
13. What is a narcissist thinking/saying as he/she stomps all over the aspirations/feelings/career/etc., of anyone else?  Loser!  He/she is baggage to my plans anyhow.
14. What does a narcissist do when his/her significant other or spouse or child becomes seriously ill and requires their help?  Leave.  And never come back unless it suits him/her.
15. What are the common phrases of the narcissist while driving?  (speaking in a rage and gesturing obscenely at other drivers)  What an idiot!  Can you drive any slower??  How did you get your license anyway?  Old people/young people/women/etc., shouldn’t be allowed on the roads!
16. How does the narcissist feel about the success of his/her spouse/relative/friend/child/any other?  That should be me.
17. What is the narcissist thinking and feeling as you, the healthy person in his/her life, go about your pleasant day?  He/she must be UP to something!  (meaning you, of course, and you WILL pay for that later).  Pay for what?  You’ll have no clue later as the narcissist stomps all over your feelings.
18. What does the narcissist do when their cherished pet of many years passes away?  Trashes the photos or gives them away along with all the deceased pet’s things.  Who needs a reminder of a dead animal anyway?
19. When any relationship the narcissist has inevitably fails, what does he/she say and think (remember that they have no feelings of substance)?  Am I ever glad to have that load off of my shoulders!
20. As the narcissist romances and brown noses the Big Boys at work for the Next Big Opportunity, what is he thinking?  I TOTALLY deserve this (not, I totally am capable of this).
21. When the narcissist perceives that he is failing after receiving placement into the Next Big Opportunity, what does he do?  Leave.  Blame everybody else.  Those people couldn’t run a Lego factory!
22. How does a narcissist run his/her household?  Well, it is his/hers, isn’t it?  Monitor all computer, internet, telephone, mail, etc.  Note to readers:  there are probably several cameras mounted in light fixtures or other areas as well.  And that PS3 or other game console with associated paraphernalia such as a camera?  When he/she bought it, did you really think it was to play stupid video games??
23. How does a narcissist handle the finances?  Tightly.  Or not at all.  Either way, you will be criticized for messing them up somehow.
24. How does the narcissist interact with his/her children?  Just about the same as any child would.  He/she has never matured past the 2-year-old’s sense of ‘It’s all about ME!’
25. When it is time for the narcissist to take his/her annual vacation, what does he/she do?  Leave.  By himself/herself.  You are not invited.  After all, it IS his/her vacation, isn’t it?  How would he/she have any fun by dragging you along?
26. How does the narcissist purchase gifts for their ‘loved ones’?  HA!  Like that is ever going to happen.  And if it does you can bet his/her assistant/secretary/relative/all other took care of that annoying task.
27.  As older age approaches, how does the narcissist view his/her also aging spouse or significant other?  Geeze, he/she is really letting himself/herself go.  I am mortified to be seen in his/her company!  See #25 above.
28. When the narcissist is flirting with an office/relative/other fling, what is he/she thinking about the ‘little lady/man at home’?  He’ll/she’ll never know.  I’ll make sure of that.  See #22 above.
29. How does the narcissist handle conflict?  With gusto!  He/she was made for this!  Like Napoleon marching to war, he/she will encounter his/her Waterloo completely convinced of invincibility.  We all know how Waterloo turned out – and when this happens to the narcissist, see #21 above.
30. And finally, when you dear reader print this list and present it to the narcissist in your life, what will he/she do after reading it?  Laugh.  Say ‘what losers!’ (meaning everyone else, of course). 

Narcissists do not know they are narcissists.  Like the story of the King Who Wore No Clothes, they march around convinced of their ‘specialness’ and oblivious to how the actually appear to others.  And when, just as in the story, someone yells out, ‘you have no clothes on’, they are promptly marched to the gallows and hung.  Later the King will hang the treacherous tailor as well.  Throw in the masses who observed the event also. 

You get the picture.  The narcissist, just like the King, is destined to eventually push away or throw away everyone of significance in their life.  That is just the way it is because the King cannot change.  For all their boasting, narcissists have extremely fragile self-esteem and are highly vulnerable to criticism.  But do not think for ONE MINUTE that this means they are open to change.  If you choose to tangle with a narcissist, you will lose your head.  Your emotions will be mangled, your other relationships will suffer, you will suffer, and finally the narcissist will leave you for the loser that (he/she thinks) you are.

Note to the gentle reader:  when  encountering or finally acknowledging the narcissist in your life, RUN!  He/she won’t notice much anyhow (see #19 above).

Those Puritans

Family genealogy and research is a passion of mine and my family tree now contains over 60,000 members.  Many members are descended from Puritan, Quaker, and Mennonite families that sailed from the Old Country to make a new life in America.  Weren’t they amazing folk?  Their strong faith, strong ethics and moral beliefs are main reasons that our country has prospered so much in the mere 400+ years since their landing here.  After all, the term ‘Puritan Work Ethic’ is an American mainstay and a gentle reminder that everyone is expected to do their best, to excel, and to stay the course no matter what obstacles life throws at them.  Unless, of course, those people decide that they don’t want to adhere to that ethic.  Very little understanding was offered to society members choosing to walk their own path in early America.  In fact, failing to adhere to the ethic often made people targets of blame for crop failures, bad weather, illnesses and deaths.  In extreme examples, people were labeled witches and – well, we all know how that turned out in Salem.  As our country grew, these people were encouraged to skee-daddle and Go West, Young Man!  The best place for a bunch of rowdy folks is out there in the great unknown, paving the way for the rest of the civilized folks, right?  Somewhere along the timeline that Puritan Work Ethic took another sinister turn.  Class cultures formed and some folks were deemed ‘better than’ and some ‘less than’.  Isn’t that what America’s first immigrants were trying to get AWAY from?  This class culture exists in its mature form today in every part of our country.  And it is supported by an additional line to the Puritan Ethic:  “Work hard and you will receive your just rewards AND if your neighbor is apparently not as prosperous appearing as you are, he/she MUST be a slacker, a loser, a nobody who definitely belongs in the less-than category and not up in the heights of the better-than folks like you.”  There is a word for this type of attitude: narcissism.  And it is running rampant in America today.  Our modern culture is driven to be one of the better-than folks while also being horrified at the behavior of those very folks, i.e. Bernie Madoff, et. al.  Our current personal debt load and economic collapse can be directly tied to the American urge to keep up with . . . the Madoffs, et. al.

Narcissists and their better-than-you attitudes can create an environment within relationships that cause people to wither from life.  When this type of behavior manifests itself within close, personal relationships the effects can be dramatic.  Constant criticism, comments that are demeaning, jealousy, lack of affection, and reminders that they are less-than the narcissist are common.  Frequently faced with spoken and unspoken reminders of their less-than status, the target of narcissistic behavior can begin to question their value, their beliefs, their expertise, their motivation, and their self-esteem.  Frequently their mental and physical health will suffer.  Narcissists are very aware of the effects they have on others but they could care less.  The targets of their behavior are often confused and guilt-riddled wondering what on earth they could have done wrong or not good enough, or even neglected to do to justify receiving this treatment from their loved one.  As the narcissist manipulates the relationship, he/she displays the following characteristics:  sense of superiority, sense of entitlement, belief that they are unique and indispensible, demand for preferential treatment, use of others to their own advantage, inability to understand the feelings of others resulting in insulting or hurtful statements or behavior, paranoia, and when confronted, rage. 

This is exactly the culture that the Puritans, Quakers, Mennonites and others escaped from in the Old World but apparently it has found a new home here in America.  Well, as far as I am aware, there are no new, undiscovered continents to wrench from indigenous inhabitants, and no colony is yet established on Mars (although I could be wrong about that – those NASA, CIA, NSA, and other alphabet soup folks may already have swanky condos on Mars and, being the superior folks they are, just don’t want we less-than folks to know). 

In any case, maybe it is time for we perceived to be less-than folks to simply stand and state the obvious to the narcissists who bedevil us:  you are a jerk.  No one appreciates your stupidity and arrogance.  Knock it off or maybe we will band together like the Parisian rebels who overran the Bastille and throw you’re a** into the Seine.  Or Federal prison – either will do.