Narcissism Part Dux

A few of Heather’s Original Observations:

1.  How many narcissists does it take to clean the bathroom?  None, that’s why they have wives/janitors.
2. How do narcissists react to thoughtful, well-intended suggestions for home/relationship/office improvements?  They don’t – at least to your face.  You will be let go/served with divorce papers/fired the next day by a call from a relative or HR.
3. How does a narcissist perceive proposed company reductions in staff when announced?  Heh, those losers!  (meaning everyone else in the company, of course)  He/she receives her/his layoff notice the following day and is stunned.
4. How does a narcissist react to your emotional needs?  However you want him/her to . . . after years of careful observation, the narcissist can fake almost any emotion.
5. When a narcissist sees a handicapped person at a crosswalk, what does he/she say?  Hitler was right – those people are a drain on our scarce resources! ( speaking loudly so the handicapped person will most definitely overhear).
6. How does a narcissist function in informal get-togethers?  Not very well.  He/she frequently uses substances of every type to cope with the stupidity of others at these types of events.  Geeze, losers are so annoying (meaning everyone else, of course).
7. What does the narcissist think of faith, regardless of whether it is mentioned in the context of organized religion?  Marx was right – religion is the opiate of the masses.  (By the way, his/her opiate is probably alcohol or cocaine).
8. What does a narcissist dream of at night?  Power, success, praise, admiration, and glory.  Isn’t that what everyone dreams of?  Of course, his/her dreams acknowledge his/her superiority and place him/her in the role of Pharoah pursuing the Israelites to the sea.  We all know how that turned out.
9. What does a narcissist talk about in social/business/personal/travel/PTA/church/all other gatherings?  His/her achievements.  And nothing else.
10. How does a narcissist perceive the law?  It is there for stupid people.  If the narcissist drives after drinking, speeds through a school zone, fails to slow for emergency vehicles, etc., it is because those stupid laws don’t apply to him/her.  Laws are for losers.
11. What does a narcissist think after he/she says something insulting to someone else?  Why is that person looking at me that way?  I was only: 1) trying to help; 2) speaking the obvious; 3) giving my considered opinion; 4) trying to be funny; 5) blah, blah, blah.  He/she then moves on to speak with someone else who may actually be worthy.
12. What does a narcissist say when a spouse/friend/foe/employee/child/all other criticizes him/her?  Not much but watch out for the flying objects he/she will begin to throw while yelling/screaming obscenities in justifiable rage at your comment.  By the way, you WILL pay for that later.  See #2 above.
13. What is a narcissist thinking/saying as he/she stomps all over the aspirations/feelings/career/etc., of anyone else?  Loser!  He/she is baggage to my plans anyhow.
14. What does a narcissist do when his/her significant other or spouse or child becomes seriously ill and requires their help?  Leave.  And never come back unless it suits him/her.
15. What are the common phrases of the narcissist while driving?  (speaking in a rage and gesturing obscenely at other drivers)  What an idiot!  Can you drive any slower??  How did you get your license anyway?  Old people/young people/women/etc., shouldn’t be allowed on the roads!
16. How does the narcissist feel about the success of his/her spouse/relative/friend/child/any other?  That should be me.
17. What is the narcissist thinking and feeling as you, the healthy person in his/her life, go about your pleasant day?  He/she must be UP to something!  (meaning you, of course, and you WILL pay for that later).  Pay for what?  You’ll have no clue later as the narcissist stomps all over your feelings.
18. What does the narcissist do when their cherished pet of many years passes away?  Trashes the photos or gives them away along with all the deceased pet’s things.  Who needs a reminder of a dead animal anyway?
19. When any relationship the narcissist has inevitably fails, what does he/she say and think (remember that they have no feelings of substance)?  Am I ever glad to have that load off of my shoulders!
20. As the narcissist romances and brown noses the Big Boys at work for the Next Big Opportunity, what is he thinking?  I TOTALLY deserve this (not, I totally am capable of this).
21. When the narcissist perceives that he is failing after receiving placement into the Next Big Opportunity, what does he do?  Leave.  Blame everybody else.  Those people couldn’t run a Lego factory!
22. How does a narcissist run his/her household?  Well, it is his/hers, isn’t it?  Monitor all computer, internet, telephone, mail, etc.  Note to readers:  there are probably several cameras mounted in light fixtures or other areas as well.  And that PS3 or other game console with associated paraphernalia such as a camera?  When he/she bought it, did you really think it was to play stupid video games??
23. How does a narcissist handle the finances?  Tightly.  Or not at all.  Either way, you will be criticized for messing them up somehow.
24. How does the narcissist interact with his/her children?  Just about the same as any child would.  He/she has never matured past the 2-year-old’s sense of ‘It’s all about ME!’
25. When it is time for the narcissist to take his/her annual vacation, what does he/she do?  Leave.  By himself/herself.  You are not invited.  After all, it IS his/her vacation, isn’t it?  How would he/she have any fun by dragging you along?
26. How does the narcissist purchase gifts for their ‘loved ones’?  HA!  Like that is ever going to happen.  And if it does you can bet his/her assistant/secretary/relative/all other took care of that annoying task.
27.  As older age approaches, how does the narcissist view his/her also aging spouse or significant other?  Geeze, he/she is really letting himself/herself go.  I am mortified to be seen in his/her company!  See #25 above.
28. When the narcissist is flirting with an office/relative/other fling, what is he/she thinking about the ‘little lady/man at home’?  He’ll/she’ll never know.  I’ll make sure of that.  See #22 above.
29. How does the narcissist handle conflict?  With gusto!  He/she was made for this!  Like Napoleon marching to war, he/she will encounter his/her Waterloo completely convinced of invincibility.  We all know how Waterloo turned out – and when this happens to the narcissist, see #21 above.
30. And finally, when you dear reader print this list and present it to the narcissist in your life, what will he/she do after reading it?  Laugh.  Say ‘what losers!’ (meaning everyone else, of course). 

Narcissists do not know they are narcissists.  Like the story of the King Who Wore No Clothes, they march around convinced of their ‘specialness’ and oblivious to how the actually appear to others.  And when, just as in the story, someone yells out, ‘you have no clothes on’, they are promptly marched to the gallows and hung.  Later the King will hang the treacherous tailor as well.  Throw in the masses who observed the event also. 

You get the picture.  The narcissist, just like the King, is destined to eventually push away or throw away everyone of significance in their life.  That is just the way it is because the King cannot change.  For all their boasting, narcissists have extremely fragile self-esteem and are highly vulnerable to criticism.  But do not think for ONE MINUTE that this means they are open to change.  If you choose to tangle with a narcissist, you will lose your head.  Your emotions will be mangled, your other relationships will suffer, you will suffer, and finally the narcissist will leave you for the loser that (he/she thinks) you are.

Note to the gentle reader:  when  encountering or finally acknowledging the narcissist in your life, RUN!  He/she won’t notice much anyhow (see #19 above).