The Most Difficult Game

There are days when the only accomplishment I make is playing to add points to my favorite video game, Bejeweled 3, and moving to the next level.  It feels great!  Although the accomplishment isn’t ‘real’ in terms of life lessons: I haven’t improved either my life or the life of others, haven’t earned a job promotion or a college degree, haven’t helped a friend through a difficult task, haven’t paid off the home mortgage, haven’t seen a grandchild born, or performed any other significant event.  In fact, on days when it seems that nothing is going right, winning a game of Bejeweled 3 can bring a smile and a feeling of ‘awesome!’  I realize that I will essentially lose at some point when I am killed off in the game but am thrilled to at least be gaining points.  I relish that feeling and wonder why real life doesn’t inspire it very often.

Somewhere in the psyche of many, including me, is the expectation that we must fight hard and must win in everything in life.  There are no points in life – we don’t get gold stars for trying.  We must strive and win!  In our childhoods we got the message that we must always get right back up when we are knocked down, we must remain unaffected by losses in life, discover new tactics, rush up and fight and win against all odds.  We must be responsible, get things done, set things right, take care of everyone we love, parent perfectly, etc.  If we feel that we have failed in any of these endeavors, we flog ourselves just as vigorously.  We believe that failure is not an option and losers are lame.  We lose self-respect, think we will be seen as ‘less’ in the eyes of others, that our loved ones will abandon us, and our entire world will explode.  Losing equates with fear and loss and is to be avoided at all costs. 

What is a ‘win’ in the game of life?  What is a loss?  After all, none of us really win – life kills us in the end.  Just like characters in a video game, we all eventually lose and die from some cause.  So what are we trying so hard to win?  And what is this sense of fear and loss when we think we have failed at some aspect of life?  Who on earth are we trying so hard to impress with our extreme efforts?  Why does gaining points at a video game feel so good, despite the fact that we are killed off and essentially lose at the end of the game?  And achieving at some aspect of life means that we are merely doing what we are supposed to do and isn’t really a win at all?  And trying but failing at some aspect of life seems so devastating?

Other than the need to provide life’s necessities of food and water, shelter, clothing, medical, and other essentials, why do we strive to ‘win’ at anything in life?  I honestly don’t recall ever being told that I must:  look like a supermodel my entire lifespan, cook like an accomplished French chef, obtain multiple educational degrees to add letters to my name, achieve the highest office in political or corporate or religious life, become a Kung Fu expert in order to fight crime, earn riches and be added to Forbes list of the richest Americans, discover the cure for cancer, blah, blah.  Yet somewhere in my psyche is the urgent voice that says to do more, be more, try more, earn more, learn more, and so on.  And that trying doesn’t count unless I win.  This screaming voice has prompted me off-course in life many, many times.  The term ‘accomplishment’ has become a bit of a devil to many of us, I think.  If we look around life we will see that many people who have ‘accomplished’ much in life, are ‘winners’, but have also displayed some of the worst traits of human nature in order to do so.  So have they really won anything in life when they have taken to themselves as much money, as many things, as much celebrity, etc., as possible but have become deceitful, selfish, grasping, harsh human beings?  When they can’t maintain relationships because of their negative behaviors?  I wonder.

Life is a struggle for us all.  We work very hard to provide the necessities for ourselves and those we feel responsible for.  The majority of us never accomplish greatness.  Some of us are hit hard by illness as we are striving.  Serious illness can seem like the ‘end game’ when it hits us.  We wonder why did this happen to me, what am I supposed to do now, and where do I fit in the game of life when some days I can’t even get up to play?  Looking around modern life in America it is clear that folks living with serious or chronic illnesses are greatly hampered in the game of life.  We are sometimes fired or harassed out of our careers, abandoned by family members, dropped by our medical insurers, pitied by others even though we strive to maintain our dignity, denied opportunities, limited in our activities, hampered by the side effects of multiple medications or surgeries, and more.  For those of us struggling with serious or chronic illnesses, life has dealt us a swift blow to the gut and we are knocked out of normal life and into a painful process of redefining all aspects of our lives.  When folks are dealing with life on these terms, what is a win?  What is a loss?

Some folks avoid serious or chronic illnesses themselves but are hit hard by job loss and economic ruin, criminal acts that take their belongings and homes, loss of loved ones by death or war or such, the need to care for seriously or chronically ill loved ones, and more.  In short, when life deals any of us one or more of these difficult challenges, what is a win?  And what is a loss?

The difficult game of life teaches us that change is constant and that challenges, great and small, will bedevil us every day.  As we are vigorously striving to be all, to do all, and obtain all, we are fighting against the odds.  Most of us will lose something significant at some point in our lives and this will cause us to enter a period of confusion and uncertainty during which we question the meaning of this game of life and what we are to make of it.  We redefine a ‘win’ and a ‘loss’ because of the events of our lives.  If we are fortunate, we exit this period of uncertainty with a new definition of life.  We realize that doing all, being all, and getting all is – just stupid.  We realize that while we were trying so hard to be perfect, the people all around us were losing more than gaining from our efforts because in our earnestness we were focusing on everything BUT them and ourselves.  While it is admirable to work hard to feed, clothe, and house our families, it is even more admirable to be physically and emotionally available to them and really share in the events of their lives.  Working long hours, striving for that next big promotion, attending night school to obtain that next degree, or otherwise expending our precious few earthly hours might be better spent by simply connecting with our loved ones and sharing the important aspects of our lives – together. 

Many of us react to serious losses in negative ways.  We withdraw from others, grieve for extended periods, and become bitter or forever resentful and angry.  We resent the loss of ability to achieve, to do, to be, to obtain, to earn, etc.  We feel that whatever has happened to us affects only us and no one else.  Our vision narrows and we grow very small in our minds.  If we are fortunate we will eventually come to realize that the losses in our lives are not unique and that serious losses occur to most humans during their lifespan.  We realize that we have choices in how we react to our losses.  We realize that rather than withdrawing from others because we feel sorry for our losses, we now have the opportunity to connect with others in new and positive ways.  How often does a person state that it feels wonderful to help others?  Maybe our losses are less of a bad event to us personally than an opportunity for personal growth.  Is it really so terrible to allow and to inspire others with the opportunity to assist us – to make connections – and to feel positive about their lives?  Maybe our losses actually jar us out of the stupidity of our childhood beliefs of the meaning of life and into new, more mature beliefs that will serve us better in our future.  Maybe when we become unable to maintain such busy, achieving lives – we become able to stop, look, and listen to others around us and to realize that what they need from us, and what we really want for ourselves, is less about doing than about being.  Maybe a win is as simple as living one day at a time, living it with a positive attitude no matter our circumstance, and being thankful for others in our lives.  Maybe a loss is actually an opportunity to learn and not a dire death sentence.  Maybe the biggest ‘win’ in life is not things, but the ability to learn to adjust to whatever circumstances are presented to us and to use these circumstances to connect with others.  Maybe there are no ‘wins’ in life at all but points earned for each and every time we learn, mature, and move to the next level of life. 

Our Little Weiner

Anthony Weiner, new husband and father-to-be, and emotionally immature, narcissistic personality

Anthony Weiner, U.S. Congressman and hard-working fighter for the common folk, appointed to the Judiciary Committee, elected whip of his incoming Congressional class, the only New Yorker appointed to serve on the Homeland Security Task Force, current member of the Energy and Commerce Committee which oversees telecommunications, public health, air quality and environmental protection, the nation’s energy policy, and interstate and foreign commerce

Anthony Weiner, trusted employer of former Cong. Charles Schumer

Anthony Weiner, youngest elected member of NY City Council, Chairman of the Subcommittee on Public Housing

Anthony Weiner, achiever, son of a public school teacher, raised in a housing project in NY, graduate of NY public schools, graduate of Brooklyn Technical School, and graduate State Univ. of NY in Plattsburgh, NY

Anthony Weiner, born with so much potential and promise.  What happened?  Only Anthony and God know for sure but with a bit of human understanding, the rest of us can surmise.

Perhaps his life story went something like this:  born to a lower-class, hard-working Jewish family living in the projects of NY.  Son of a public school teacher who yearned for a better life for his son.  Told from toddlerhood that his potential was unlimited; that expectations for him were very high; that failure was not an option – in anything.  After all, the family was counting on him to put their best face forward and to better all of their lives.  ‘Supported’ by his family by their unwavering abilities to get him out of tight spots, talk him up to everyone, overlook his shortcomings in public but berate him about them in private, maneuver, coerce, pressure, and in every other way ‘smooth his path to success’ for the future.  Because his father held a trusted and influential position in Anthony’s first public arena of life, his public school, Anthony learned that perceptions and talk are everything; achievement is enhanced with a bit of tweeting in the front office, who you know is much more important than what you know.  Most importantly, Anthony learned that who you really are, warts and all must never be revealed to your expectant family and public.  YOU are special, YOU are better than, YOU are capable, and YOU are expected to be what is important to everyone but yourself. 

To Anthony Weiner, the child, the pressure must have felt tremendous indeed.  Weaned on his father’s, his family’s, and his community’s expectations, it must have felt at times as if no one knew the ‘real’ Anthony and his needs, nor wanted to.  There was probably little room for relaxation in Anthony’s early life.  Most likely his father and family repeated old family histories regularly – embellished tales of achievement, overcoming great obstacles, and great expectations.  All this lay on Anthony’s shoulders even as a child.  Never mind that the people telling him this were low-income, low-achievement, narcissistic and needy.  A child cannot make that connection.  A child hears expectations from trusted sources and takes them to heart.  To fail to do so would mean disappointing the people he loves and feeling tremendous guilt.  Anthony was told and shown that love was earned and that it could and was withdrawn when he did not meet his family’s and his public’s expectations.  He may have been seen as the family’s ‘golden child’ and their ticket to a better life.  His other siblings may have suffered due to his favored status; this would have generated even greater guilt for Anthony.  Or Anthony may have received less-than-favored treatment most of the time.  He may have only been noticed when he did achieve but ignored otherwise.  He may have been given the silent treatment or sent to his room for long periods of time when he disappointed or was deemed a pest by his family. 

Anthony learned many lessons in his family of origin.  He learned:

• To exaggerate his abilities, talents and achievements
• To crave for, maneuver for, and demand success, power, and position
• To feel good only when he is being admired – for anything
• To feel entitled to the ‘best’, favorable treatment, compliance with his needs
• To manipulate, exploit, and use others to reach his goals – and that doing this is OK
• Not to feel, not to recognize emotions in others, not to recognize needs in himself or others
• To envy, to long for, to expect anything and everything that anyone and everyone else has
• To display an arrogant, better-than attitude because – it works

Most of all, Anthony learned that who he really was, what he really felt, what he really wanted, and what he did NOT want was wrong.  Anthony learned to keep this to himself, hidden somewhere deep in his psyche.  To everyone else, Anthony carefully crafted the person he was ‘supposed’ to be.  His understanding – or his deal with the devil – was that in doing so, Anthony would receive what was rightfully his:  success, power, position, admiration, entitlement, status.  And he got it.

Before the outing of his bad behavior, Anthony was an up-and-coming young Democrat said to be destined for an incredible future.  He had it all and he believed that he deserved it.  He earned it – it was his – he was entitled – no one could take it away – he had MADE it.  Somewhere in Anthony’s psyche, a screw turned.  Is this all there really is at the top??  A demanding job, lots of family and constituent commitments – and now the requisite wife with child on the way?  More demands on him.  What about HIS needs?  What about HIS desires?  Sure, he may be a Congressman, blah, blah, but somehow that just wasn’t meeting his deepest and most fundamental need.  Anthony needs emotional turmoil, emotional drama, and emotional crises that focus on him like most of us need to breathe the air.  He must have it at any cost.  And so to the shock of everyone, he created and got it.

Was it worth it to Anthony?  You bet it was!  Every day he must have been constantly emailing, tweeting, or otherwise ‘connecting’ in this adrenaline-rush way to whoever would give him the attention he needed.  It is an addiction that he cannot ignore.  No mechanism in his higher brain can stop it.  It is the greatest need at the source of his very being.  To the rest of us it makes him appear to be a pervert, a cheating husband, an irresponsible public servant, a shame to his family, an embarrassment to the entire country.  All Anthony knows is that he is entitled to whatever he wants and he wants and needs constant attention and admiration.  He may be wondering why folks are reacting so badly.  It wasn’t like he actually DID anything!  He just nibbled around the edges a bit.  It wasn’t like he actually acted like former Pres. Clinton – or many, many other like members of powerful organizations. 

Our little Weiner just does not understand, and why?  Because Anthony has no clue how other people feel about what he did.  Anthony shut off his emotions long ago.  Everything to him is a game, a rule, a power play, and has nothing to do with how anyone feels.  Anthony’s life has never been about empathy, understanding, reasonable expectations, unconditional love, universal values and morals. 

Believe it or not, I feel for Anthony.  He has been given a raw deal in life.  I truly hope that Anthony can find help to undo at least some of the damage of his early life.  I hope that he can reconnect with his real self, develop some real feelings, learn to empathize with others, and find his true calling in life.  The odds are not good but once Anthony finally does do one responsible action – resigning from public office – I wish him the best in dealing with the mess of his life.   

Math is a 4-letter Word

I am not a ‘math person’.  Sure, balancing a checkbook, figuring interest rates on a loan and future payoff options, and running tax software to meet that April 15^th deadline are all quite manageable.  BUT that other stuff . . . well, it is a four-letter word.  Who is ever going to use the India method of solving quadratic equations in their normal, daily life?  I could stop there but for the fact that I tend to ruminate on life and to find the meaning in every single part of life as well as how the parts all fit together.  And so after a good friend and I attempted to finish my math homework this last weekend, a few new realizations popped up today about that process.  Oh, and yes, we did finish the homework.  It took my patient, intelligent friend several hours to explain the algebraic equations that I previously simply could not ‘get’ after doing everything ‘right’ – reading the textbook, doing the practice problems, and spending 9 solid hours willing myself to learn, d**m it, learn!  My friend persevered, I learned, and the assignment went in on time.  And just as with much of life’s events, once they are finished and no longer first and foremost in mind, the words and actions and perceptions, etc., associated with them do not just become a memory.  They ‘run in the background’ of our minds. They become our expectations for the future about those events.  Humans are strange that way – we expect the same for our future as whatever we happen to be experiencing today.  For some of us, that ‘today’ is actually a rerun of the yesterdays of our childhood.  Stopping those old reruns, learning new expectations to carry forward, and feeling okay about this process is not easy.  That brings us to today.  My next, weekly math assignment is due tomorrow.  Math is again becoming first and foremost in my mind.  And with it is now coming the lessons of my last encounter with math. 

Lesson #1:  No one is good at every single part of life.  This is nothing to feel ashamed about.  It is simply true.  When presented with a new challenge, try.  Try again.  Then if you are still not succeeding, stop and consider this:  surrender to the need for help and ask for it.  Asking for help is not the same as raising a white flag, or believing that you are incapable or dumb or any other negative trait.  And don’t let anyone tell you that it is.  Accept help with the grace it deserves.  And learn what you are being taught.  Then go out and share it with someone else who is struggling with the same challenge.  This is called ‘being human’.  We are all interconnected in life.  In our extremely complicated society today no one is an expert – or even familiar with or sometimes aware of – all of life’s challenges. 

Lesson #2:  Solving quadratic equations is not in my future.  I wholeheartedly intend to avoid all such higher math after college graduation.  So why try so hard to understand this stuff?  Well . . . maybe the Powers That Be who insist this class be a component of my degree program are less concerned with the quadratic math than they are with the thinking processes required to understand it.  I had a Zen moment!!  Suddenly higher math didn’t look so useless in a non-math degree program.  And the fact that some of the equations don’t even require any one correct answer caused a big ah-ha!  For some of the equations the answer could be either a negative or a positive number.

Lesson #3:  The logic in math requires every complicated equation be reduced to its simplest form.  In order to do this, the student must first have a thorough understanding of the ‘rules’ of algebra, geometry, etc., as well as the symbols, the equations, and lots more.  Another Zen moment – Steven Hawking is really, REALLY smart!  It is virtually impossible for a student to leap from simple math to quadratic equations if he/she has not learned those rules and does not understand those equations or math logic.

Lesson #4:  We all have ‘rules’ for our lives.  These are called ‘lessons we have learned’.  Most of these rules were acquired in our childhood and some of our rules aren’t as effective as they ought to be for our adult lives.  The less effective rules make themselves obvious everyday – they are the rules that bring about our negative feelings and behavior, failures, and feelings of guilt and shame.  They make our lives more complicated than necessary.  Whatever challenges we are facing, as long as we keep trying and trying but using these old, useless rules, we will fail.  Maybe we ought to consider looking at some of our most difficult challenges as being problems similar to the India method of solving quadratic equations.  Whether the challenges are new and unknown or old and familiar, if we aren’t succeeding, maybe we ought to surrender to our inability to solve them.  Even after we have done everything ‘right’ – researching the issue, reading the experts books, trying for days, months, and years – but still failing, maybe we ought to seek out someone who has experience and an understanding and the ability to teach us.  There are likely ‘rules’ about how to succeed with the problems, certain background equations and symbols and such that the experienced person thoroughly understands – but that you have no clue about because you don’t have their experience with the problems.  And in order to solve the problems in the first place, it is necessary to reduce them to the least complex equation.  There are probably many, many solutions to the problems that you have never considered . . . because you were stuck on the belief that only one solution was possible or ‘right’ and you were unable to reduce the complexity into its simplest components.

I have learned that quadratic equations are not important to me – but that how I learned to solve them is very important.  It isn’t healthy to expect oneself to know the answer to every challenge.  It isn’t healthy to will oneself to learn by ‘doing everything right’ and then to flog oneself and wonder what is wrong with me or the ‘system’ when one fails.  It is good – and it feels good – to ask for help from someone who does have the answer and is willing to share that knowledge.  It is good – and it feels good – to make that human connection.  Asking and gracefully accepting help is a sign of strength, of an ability to successfully adapt and learn, and to acknowledge that one is part of the whole – weak in some areas, strong in others – and isn’t that what life is all about?  No man is an island, it is said.  I agree and I am learning that I would rather be a part of the main.  I wonder . . . if more American’s saw themselves as a part of the whole and not as singular, highly competitive, run-over-the-other-guy-in-order-to-succeed folks, if we all might be able to relax just a bit.  Maybe we would be just a little less concerned with trying to look smarter and wealthier and more beautiful if we just accepted that no one is perfect.  Maybe we could spend a bit more time with our loved ones if we didn’t expect ourselves, and our loved ones didn’t expect us, to have the most money in the bank when we died.  Maybe we could teach the greedy American corporations that the ‘rules’ they promote by their nasty behavior will NOT make us into citizens who will give up our families, our right to be happy, our innate need to share with others, our desire to be a community, our need to feel secure, etc., just because those corporations keep telling us to work harder, work smarter, work with less – and finally, don’t work at all because we can find someone else who is willing to demean themselves even more than you and accept even less for it.  Personally, I quit on that type of behavior – not that I was ever that way in the first place.  But it is very difficult to live in a society that promotes unhealthy attitudes about life and not have some of them rub off on me, too.  As far as I’m concerned, as long as the people important to me love and accept me, I am able to work a little, play a little, and learn a little every day, life is good.  Very good. 

Molly & Me . . & Emma too

One year ago next month, July 2011, Molly and I found each other.  I wasn’t looking for her and she was hiding from the entire world inside a thick, prickly blackberry patch where she felt safe and had convinced herself that no one and nothing would reach her.  For one brief moment, however, and as I happened to be driving past, Molly stepped out of her prickly place.  I saw her but she saw only the vehicle I was driving and not me.  Molly’s unhappy experience of living inside her prickly place alongside life’s busy and dangerous roadway had taught her some very important concepts – run from cars, hide very well, and hide very fast.  And so the instant that I saw her and she saw my car, she vanished back into her prickly place.

Molly was one of so many ‘throw away’ pets and she was coping as best she could at that time and given her life experiences thus far as a 9-month old kitten.  And she had no way of knowing if any particular vehicle – the façade – was holding an animal-loving mush ball or a monster inside.  I could have been driving a van with a flashing sign reading “I LOVE CATS!”, and wafting tuna perfume but Molly would not have responded positively.  Molly had been seriously traumatized and so without thinking or knowing that there were options, she ran to hide.  The vehicles that carry us along in life can be excellent disguises for whomever or whatever is riding inside.  Many folks use vehicles to appear to be something they are not, or to embellish themselves, or scare others away.  The vehicles people use are not only their fancy cars; they are their careers, educational levels, clothes, and most importantly, their words and actions.  When people are not genuine and they seek to be something they are not, other people have few defenses against this especially when the manipulative person is very good at what he or she does.  And animals have no way in hell of discerning the difference.  There was no way for Molly to know whether the occupant of my vehicle was an animal-loving mush ball or the monster she feared. 

At some point prior to being dumped, Molly had been spayed and this is evidence that she came either from an animal shelter or from someone who cared enough to pay for this surgery.  Someone had cared – but then decided for some reason that Molly and her tender cat-heart were dispensable.  People can be that way sometimes.  And most other people, and certainly all pets, never see it coming.  Or they deny the obvious because they do not have the skills to cope.  When it hits them, they are instantly transported to a very frightening and terrible place.  And so, I am sure that because of her sorry experiences in life thus far, Molly had no hope that anyone or anything could possibly be trusted.  Maybe she believed that because she had been mistreated and then dumped by someone who formerly professed to care for her and showed that care occasionally, there was something very wrong with her and it was all her fault.  For her, the only option was to hide away from all contact.  That way she would never attach herself with all her heart to another human who had only self-absorbed, manipulative, transient feelings of love and possibly even abusive intentions, who would eventually either drive her away or dump her – again.  She would never again be fooled by facades that promised love and delivered pain.

I stopped the car, parked close by, but far enough away so that she would not notice my car but would focus on me instead.  I carefully approached the entrance to Molly’s hideaway, stooped down and softly called, ‘here kitty, kitty’.  I heard a faint meow.  I repeated my call several times with all the concern and tenderness that I truly felt for the little kitten and each time she came a bit closer.  Finally Molly peeped out and I scratched her head, then her shoulders, and then her back.  She loved that!  It seemed that for a moment she was transported back to a happier day and a little cat smile formed on her thin, dirty cat face. 

I have an understanding of typical cat behavior based on education and years of experience.  The moment Molly showed even a faint glimmer of trust and hope enough to emerge from her prickly place, I knew that there was hope of a better life for her.  And the moment Molly responded to my scratching and petting, I realized that she was not a feral cat that had never been shown love and was lost to the possibility of a happy, domesticated life in a loving home.  Molly was a cat who had known love but had lost it.  Molly was traumatized – but that does not have to be a forever thing.  But I also knew that if I were to try to coach Molly, bribe her, or show her my intentions that she would follow her ‘rules’ and run and hide again.  So I grabbed her by the scruff of her neck, and while avoiding razor claws and lots flashing teeth, took her to the car and drove her to my home.  I know that I saved Molly from a cruel death from speeding cars, hungry raccoons, coyotes, or such.  I knew when I grabbed her that she would not be grateful, would be angry, and that for the time being that I would not be her friend.  But Molly was worth the risk.

Molly spent the next 2 weeks living in her own little safe place, in my quilting and sewing room which is the finished garage and the furthest room away from the rest of my home.  It was ‘her’ room, and I gave her a cat box, food, water, and a basket filled with soft fabric scraps to sleep in.  At first she did what she knew – she hid in a dark place behind some binders.  After a few days of quiet, regular feedings and intermittent visits from me and my excellent scratching and petting fingers, she started to relax a bit.  She actually allowed herself to sleep in her basket as I sat and sewed.  After a week we were bonding and I began to introduce Molly into the rest of the house – first for a look-see, then a minute walk around – then a few more – until finally after the end of the second week I brought her cat box, food, and other items into the house and she lived in the quilting room no more.  Lots of patience, true caring, and understanding works that way with pets – and people too.  But it has to be genuine and come from a trusted place.  Wounded animals – and people – developed a sixth sense and ‘know’ a phony.

Molly was with us only six months when our other cat, Ork, passed away.  This was a sad time in the house and Molly sensed that.  She made a real effort to sit with us all as we grieved.  A house is not complete without a pair of cats.  And so soon I dashed off to find a second cat to help heal the pain of Ork’s loss and also to fill the void.  I found 9-week old Emma at our local shelter and brought her home.  Her arrival was appreciated by everyone – but Molly who hid for two days and displayed unhappiness.  Then something unexpected and amazing happened.  Molly ‘decided’ that Emma needed a mom.  And Emma must have felt the same because they became inseparable and are to this day.  Emma’s trusting innocence is well balanced by Molly’s ‘street smarts’.  Molly guards Emma; Emma brings out the playful kitten in Molly.  Our chairs, curtains, clothes, and every other item in the house have suffered accordingly but hey, those are just things and are replaceable.  Molly and Emma are not.

I saved Molly but in many ways, Molly is bringing me to some understandings that only time, love, and experience offer.  S**t  happens in life.  We don’t ask for it and no one really deserves it but it happens.  We are hurt, thrown out, manipulated and otherwise pained by others.  We ‘learn’ to hide, to blame, to deny, and practice other self-destructive behaviors.  We often don’t see help when it arrives or flashes a neon sign saying, “I LOVE YOU!” or wafts loving actions our way.  We believe that the safest rules in life are to run away, hide very well, and hide very fast.  We stop trying to discern the decent people from the phony people no matter what their façade may be.  We stop living, stop loving, and stop trying.  We hide in our prickly patch and refuse to come out.  We become angry, judgmental, and full of – well, s**t.  But unlike animals, humans have the capacity to learn to detach, to learn to move forward in spite of the obstacles, and to find peace, joy, and love in life again.  I love Molly and Molly loves me.  That is enough for Molly.  Molly has found someone to love her and in Emma she has found someone to love and care for.  But every day I still see that traumatized kitten in Molly whenever a car whizzes by or when a dog barks or when someone in the house says an angry word.  The difference now is that instead of following her old rules, Molly will come to me and ask for reassurance and will accept that reassurance.  Because of her year of living with love in my home, she has learned to expect love and not pain.  But the memories of those bad days will forever be with her and she will forever react to their triggers.  People are like that too.  We never forget and we have triggers that cause us to want to run and hide.  But just like Molly, we can learn to discern the safe from the unsafe, the good environments from the unhealthy, the trust-able from the not, and that real love does not bring devastating pain.  Real love tells and shows us that whoever we are, no matter how imperfect; wherever we came from, no matter how painful; wherever we wish to go and be and do – is just fine.   What matters – and the only thing that matters – is that we keep trying and moving forward and hoping.  We just keep on keepin’ on with good intent and with the help of caring, understanding, loving others, we too will eventually get to happiness – just like Molly.