There are days when the only accomplishment I make is playing to add points to my favorite video game, Bejeweled 3, and moving to the next level. It feels great! Although the accomplishment isn’t ‘real’ in terms of life lessons: I haven’t improved either my life or the life of others, haven’t earned a job promotion or a college degree, haven’t helped a friend through a difficult task, haven’t paid off the home mortgage, haven’t seen a grandchild born, or performed any other significant event. In fact, on days when it seems that nothing is going right, winning a game of Bejeweled 3 can bring a smile and a feeling of ‘awesome!’ I realize that I will essentially lose at some point when I am killed off in the game but am thrilled to at least be gaining points. I relish that feeling and wonder why real life doesn’t inspire it very often.
Somewhere in the psyche of many, including me, is the expectation that we must fight hard and must win in everything in life. There are no points in life – we don’t get gold stars for trying. We must strive and win! In our childhoods we got the message that we must always get right back up when we are knocked down, we must remain unaffected by losses in life, discover new tactics, rush up and fight and win against all odds. We must be responsible, get things done, set things right, take care of everyone we love, parent perfectly, etc. If we feel that we have failed in any of these endeavors, we flog ourselves just as vigorously. We believe that failure is not an option and losers are lame. We lose self-respect, think we will be seen as ‘less’ in the eyes of others, that our loved ones will abandon us, and our entire world will explode. Losing equates with fear and loss and is to be avoided at all costs.
What is a ‘win’ in the game of life? What is a loss? After all, none of us really win – life kills us in the end. Just like characters in a video game, we all eventually lose and die from some cause. So what are we trying so hard to win? And what is this sense of fear and loss when we think we have failed at some aspect of life? Who on earth are we trying so hard to impress with our extreme efforts? Why does gaining points at a video game feel so good, despite the fact that we are killed off and essentially lose at the end of the game? And achieving at some aspect of life means that we are merely doing what we are supposed to do and isn’t really a win at all? And trying but failing at some aspect of life seems so devastating?
Other than the need to provide life’s necessities of food and water, shelter, clothing, medical, and other essentials, why do we strive to ‘win’ at anything in life? I honestly don’t recall ever being told that I must: look like a supermodel my entire lifespan, cook like an accomplished French chef, obtain multiple educational degrees to add letters to my name, achieve the highest office in political or corporate or religious life, become a Kung Fu expert in order to fight crime, earn riches and be added to Forbes list of the richest Americans, discover the cure for cancer, blah, blah. Yet somewhere in my psyche is the urgent voice that says to do more, be more, try more, earn more, learn more, and so on. And that trying doesn’t count unless I win. This screaming voice has prompted me off-course in life many, many times. The term ‘accomplishment’ has become a bit of a devil to many of us, I think. If we look around life we will see that many people who have ‘accomplished’ much in life, are ‘winners’, but have also displayed some of the worst traits of human nature in order to do so. So have they really won anything in life when they have taken to themselves as much money, as many things, as much celebrity, etc., as possible but have become deceitful, selfish, grasping, harsh human beings? When they can’t maintain relationships because of their negative behaviors? I wonder.
Life is a struggle for us all. We work very hard to provide the necessities for ourselves and those we feel responsible for. The majority of us never accomplish greatness. Some of us are hit hard by illness as we are striving. Serious illness can seem like the ‘end game’ when it hits us. We wonder why did this happen to me, what am I supposed to do now, and where do I fit in the game of life when some days I can’t even get up to play? Looking around modern life in America it is clear that folks living with serious or chronic illnesses are greatly hampered in the game of life. We are sometimes fired or harassed out of our careers, abandoned by family members, dropped by our medical insurers, pitied by others even though we strive to maintain our dignity, denied opportunities, limited in our activities, hampered by the side effects of multiple medications or surgeries, and more. For those of us struggling with serious or chronic illnesses, life has dealt us a swift blow to the gut and we are knocked out of normal life and into a painful process of redefining all aspects of our lives. When folks are dealing with life on these terms, what is a win? What is a loss?
Some folks avoid serious or chronic illnesses themselves but are hit hard by job loss and economic ruin, criminal acts that take their belongings and homes, loss of loved ones by death or war or such, the need to care for seriously or chronically ill loved ones, and more. In short, when life deals any of us one or more of these difficult challenges, what is a win? And what is a loss?
The difficult game of life teaches us that change is constant and that challenges, great and small, will bedevil us every day. As we are vigorously striving to be all, to do all, and obtain all, we are fighting against the odds. Most of us will lose something significant at some point in our lives and this will cause us to enter a period of confusion and uncertainty during which we question the meaning of this game of life and what we are to make of it. We redefine a ‘win’ and a ‘loss’ because of the events of our lives. If we are fortunate, we exit this period of uncertainty with a new definition of life. We realize that doing all, being all, and getting all is – just stupid. We realize that while we were trying so hard to be perfect, the people all around us were losing more than gaining from our efforts because in our earnestness we were focusing on everything BUT them and ourselves. While it is admirable to work hard to feed, clothe, and house our families, it is even more admirable to be physically and emotionally available to them and really share in the events of their lives. Working long hours, striving for that next big promotion, attending night school to obtain that next degree, or otherwise expending our precious few earthly hours might be better spent by simply connecting with our loved ones and sharing the important aspects of our lives – together.
Many of us react to serious losses in negative ways. We withdraw from others, grieve for extended periods, and become bitter or forever resentful and angry. We resent the loss of ability to achieve, to do, to be, to obtain, to earn, etc. We feel that whatever has happened to us affects only us and no one else. Our vision narrows and we grow very small in our minds. If we are fortunate we will eventually come to realize that the losses in our lives are not unique and that serious losses occur to most humans during their lifespan. We realize that we have choices in how we react to our losses. We realize that rather than withdrawing from others because we feel sorry for our losses, we now have the opportunity to connect with others in new and positive ways. How often does a person state that it feels wonderful to help others? Maybe our losses are less of a bad event to us personally than an opportunity for personal growth. Is it really so terrible to allow and to inspire others with the opportunity to assist us – to make connections – and to feel positive about their lives? Maybe our losses actually jar us out of the stupidity of our childhood beliefs of the meaning of life and into new, more mature beliefs that will serve us better in our future. Maybe when we become unable to maintain such busy, achieving lives – we become able to stop, look, and listen to others around us and to realize that what they need from us, and what we really want for ourselves, is less about doing than about being. Maybe a win is as simple as living one day at a time, living it with a positive attitude no matter our circumstance, and being thankful for others in our lives. Maybe a loss is actually an opportunity to learn and not a dire death sentence. Maybe the biggest ‘win’ in life is not things, but the ability to learn to adjust to whatever circumstances are presented to us and to use these circumstances to connect with others. Maybe there are no ‘wins’ in life at all but points earned for each and every time we learn, mature, and move to the next level of life.
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