Our Little Weiner

Anthony Weiner, new husband and father-to-be, and emotionally immature, narcissistic personality

Anthony Weiner, U.S. Congressman and hard-working fighter for the common folk, appointed to the Judiciary Committee, elected whip of his incoming Congressional class, the only New Yorker appointed to serve on the Homeland Security Task Force, current member of the Energy and Commerce Committee which oversees telecommunications, public health, air quality and environmental protection, the nation’s energy policy, and interstate and foreign commerce

Anthony Weiner, trusted employer of former Cong. Charles Schumer

Anthony Weiner, youngest elected member of NY City Council, Chairman of the Subcommittee on Public Housing

Anthony Weiner, achiever, son of a public school teacher, raised in a housing project in NY, graduate of NY public schools, graduate of Brooklyn Technical School, and graduate State Univ. of NY in Plattsburgh, NY

Anthony Weiner, born with so much potential and promise.  What happened?  Only Anthony and God know for sure but with a bit of human understanding, the rest of us can surmise.

Perhaps his life story went something like this:  born to a lower-class, hard-working Jewish family living in the projects of NY.  Son of a public school teacher who yearned for a better life for his son.  Told from toddlerhood that his potential was unlimited; that expectations for him were very high; that failure was not an option – in anything.  After all, the family was counting on him to put their best face forward and to better all of their lives.  ‘Supported’ by his family by their unwavering abilities to get him out of tight spots, talk him up to everyone, overlook his shortcomings in public but berate him about them in private, maneuver, coerce, pressure, and in every other way ‘smooth his path to success’ for the future.  Because his father held a trusted and influential position in Anthony’s first public arena of life, his public school, Anthony learned that perceptions and talk are everything; achievement is enhanced with a bit of tweeting in the front office, who you know is much more important than what you know.  Most importantly, Anthony learned that who you really are, warts and all must never be revealed to your expectant family and public.  YOU are special, YOU are better than, YOU are capable, and YOU are expected to be what is important to everyone but yourself. 

To Anthony Weiner, the child, the pressure must have felt tremendous indeed.  Weaned on his father’s, his family’s, and his community’s expectations, it must have felt at times as if no one knew the ‘real’ Anthony and his needs, nor wanted to.  There was probably little room for relaxation in Anthony’s early life.  Most likely his father and family repeated old family histories regularly – embellished tales of achievement, overcoming great obstacles, and great expectations.  All this lay on Anthony’s shoulders even as a child.  Never mind that the people telling him this were low-income, low-achievement, narcissistic and needy.  A child cannot make that connection.  A child hears expectations from trusted sources and takes them to heart.  To fail to do so would mean disappointing the people he loves and feeling tremendous guilt.  Anthony was told and shown that love was earned and that it could and was withdrawn when he did not meet his family’s and his public’s expectations.  He may have been seen as the family’s ‘golden child’ and their ticket to a better life.  His other siblings may have suffered due to his favored status; this would have generated even greater guilt for Anthony.  Or Anthony may have received less-than-favored treatment most of the time.  He may have only been noticed when he did achieve but ignored otherwise.  He may have been given the silent treatment or sent to his room for long periods of time when he disappointed or was deemed a pest by his family. 

Anthony learned many lessons in his family of origin.  He learned:

• To exaggerate his abilities, talents and achievements
• To crave for, maneuver for, and demand success, power, and position
• To feel good only when he is being admired – for anything
• To feel entitled to the ‘best’, favorable treatment, compliance with his needs
• To manipulate, exploit, and use others to reach his goals – and that doing this is OK
• Not to feel, not to recognize emotions in others, not to recognize needs in himself or others
• To envy, to long for, to expect anything and everything that anyone and everyone else has
• To display an arrogant, better-than attitude because – it works

Most of all, Anthony learned that who he really was, what he really felt, what he really wanted, and what he did NOT want was wrong.  Anthony learned to keep this to himself, hidden somewhere deep in his psyche.  To everyone else, Anthony carefully crafted the person he was ‘supposed’ to be.  His understanding – or his deal with the devil – was that in doing so, Anthony would receive what was rightfully his:  success, power, position, admiration, entitlement, status.  And he got it.

Before the outing of his bad behavior, Anthony was an up-and-coming young Democrat said to be destined for an incredible future.  He had it all and he believed that he deserved it.  He earned it – it was his – he was entitled – no one could take it away – he had MADE it.  Somewhere in Anthony’s psyche, a screw turned.  Is this all there really is at the top??  A demanding job, lots of family and constituent commitments – and now the requisite wife with child on the way?  More demands on him.  What about HIS needs?  What about HIS desires?  Sure, he may be a Congressman, blah, blah, but somehow that just wasn’t meeting his deepest and most fundamental need.  Anthony needs emotional turmoil, emotional drama, and emotional crises that focus on him like most of us need to breathe the air.  He must have it at any cost.  And so to the shock of everyone, he created and got it.

Was it worth it to Anthony?  You bet it was!  Every day he must have been constantly emailing, tweeting, or otherwise ‘connecting’ in this adrenaline-rush way to whoever would give him the attention he needed.  It is an addiction that he cannot ignore.  No mechanism in his higher brain can stop it.  It is the greatest need at the source of his very being.  To the rest of us it makes him appear to be a pervert, a cheating husband, an irresponsible public servant, a shame to his family, an embarrassment to the entire country.  All Anthony knows is that he is entitled to whatever he wants and he wants and needs constant attention and admiration.  He may be wondering why folks are reacting so badly.  It wasn’t like he actually DID anything!  He just nibbled around the edges a bit.  It wasn’t like he actually acted like former Pres. Clinton – or many, many other like members of powerful organizations. 

Our little Weiner just does not understand, and why?  Because Anthony has no clue how other people feel about what he did.  Anthony shut off his emotions long ago.  Everything to him is a game, a rule, a power play, and has nothing to do with how anyone feels.  Anthony’s life has never been about empathy, understanding, reasonable expectations, unconditional love, universal values and morals. 

Believe it or not, I feel for Anthony.  He has been given a raw deal in life.  I truly hope that Anthony can find help to undo at least some of the damage of his early life.  I hope that he can reconnect with his real self, develop some real feelings, learn to empathize with others, and find his true calling in life.  The odds are not good but once Anthony finally does do one responsible action – resigning from public office – I wish him the best in dealing with the mess of his life.